| Next | Last |
| 2011-09-18 | Are Republicans Dumb Or Just Stupid? | |
| I know I’ve called Republicans all sorts of names before, even retarded which was a real cheap shot that I’m still feel bad about. I mean I’ve never met a retarded person who was anything like a republican. Have you ever hung out with them? These guys dig other people no matter who they are, what they look like or what they think about capital gains taxes. Now the elephant people are a totally different breed. 100% stone cold killers. Maybe not those embryo thingy’s but anything older than say 8 or 9. Who besides these assholes would give a standing O after hearing in a debate one of their boys has executed 234 dudes in his state? Wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t heard it myself. Or cheers after another of one of their boys from that lonely star state says we should let sick people figure it out themselves. Like croak if they can’t afford some penicillin or a band aid. There is hard and there is not nice people. You make the call. Now being mean has nothing to do with not having much in the brains area. That’s even more scary cuz if you are allowed in their club you have to leave the gray stuff (if you got it) at the door. Believe in dinosaurs, a round earth, Algebra, 4G, condoms and anything that happened over 6 thousand years ago then you are on the outs from the get go. Seriously, you and I both know some of the people running for President on their team have to pretend to be dumb as at least a couple of them could easily pass a GED test. A lot of them even have fancy college degrees, ok maybe not that Godfathers Pizza dude but most of the rest of them do really know that none of those founding father guys ever even thought about a voucher system instead of Medicare. Or giving those gangster wannabe’s from that Wall Street place social security dough. Why don’t they at least wink when they say the shit they do in front of the camera? At least Sarah Palin got that down so she won’t burn in hell for telling really, really tall tales. I was thinking it must way harder to have to pretend to be stupid than pretend to be smart. Republicans running for office have to work way harder than Democrats . The donkey people have their own problems though, like they just don’t seem to understand the other side will never like them. Never. Not gonna happen. Why do they want to be liked so much? See that’s why they get their asses kicked all day and night. If they just bought into that Mexican Drug Cartel mind set like the GOP has going 24/7 they would maybe have a chance when they fight over stuff like raising the debt limit or ditching those Bush tax cuts for people that never needed them in the first place. Ok maybe they never would actually win any of these tug of wars they still would show they could handle a punch or two before they took a dive and went to the canvas like a little bitch. Baby steps man. As good as I felt in November 2008 I’m feeling just as bad right now thinking of a President Perry, Romney or Bachman. I mean we were this close (my fingers are like an inch apart) to legal pot and other stuff that people said was never gonna happen during 8 years of Bush and now we could be headed back to the caveman days. No not the time when you could roam around and just start fires and club sorta humans over the head, I’m talking about those Richie Cunningham days where vanilla was too spicy and white people were thought to be cool. That would be really sad don’t you think? I don’t wanna dig through my dead dad’s foot locker in the mini storage and fish out his bow ties. I’m just not into the way back machine and hopefully never will be. Yeah I’ll be screwed whenever they stick me in a nursing home and all the others pound my face in cuz I hate classic rock, hate Elvis movies (except Clambake) and hate jello salad. I might as well eat the gun right now before I go down that road. Anyway, things are looking really bleak right now. Obama may be a damn butt kissing pussy but he’s our pussy and we better understand what’s heading our way real soon if he’s given the heave ho. Like in not that many months from now. So what you say? Ok, are you ready for all those smarty pants scientists being rounded up and put in Sandals (all inclusive ) Resorts? How about all gay men being forced to fantasize about the blondes on FOX NEWS? Or maybe poor people being ordered to be rich? Just saying a hard rain might be coming and we best do what we can to prepare. Bye for now. |
||
| 2011-08-30 | No More Dick Commercials! | |
| Enough is enough and I know that most of the world has my back on this one. I mean there are some things in life that sorta bug you, there are things that really bug you and there are maybe one or two things that make you just go animal. Not just lift your leg on it but actually want to tear it apart with your teeth cuz it deserves that or worse. Yeah, I’m talking about those freaking commercials for Viagra, Cialis and Levitra. There may be some dude somewhere that can handle seeing one more of those evil things but he would be one sick fucking waste of human flesh if you ask me. Now I should toss out that I’m pretty easy with every day annoying stuff. Like I don’t totally flip out when I still hear auto tune songs, see Dr. Phil’s fat ass on the tube or smell those white hockey puck thingy’s in restaurant urinals when I pee. You know if we let everything that was messed up get to us then people would be going Travis Bickle 24/7 and nobody would live happily ever after. In this deal though I say it calls for extreme action before our minds are melted like an apple dropped into a gallon of acid. You say what the hell can I do to stop these evil commercials? I am just made of flesh and have no connection to a higher power. Maybe so but together we can do a lot to fight back. To make the satanic ad agency lackeys who dump these 30 seconds of garbage on innocent humans regret the day they were born. That is my mission and you should join the team too, if not now then one day soon when you will finally say you’ve had enough also. It’s coming. No doubt about it. Some of you may be saying right about now these things are just stupid little ads on the tv and who cares if they have the power to wreck a persons day, year or life. As long as there are no Muslims, union members or George Soros involved then it’s all good but you see it’s not. All good that is. I am not totally against allowing the companies that push these little pills to make enough money to survive. God knows the last thing we need are businesses laying off more people these days. If it would help the economy then hell I would say let them put on a few commercials but not when you and your grandma or little cousin are watching Pardon The Interuption or Rome Is Burning on ESPN in the middle of the day. Let them put those things on after 3 in the morning when guys with issues those stupid pills could maybe help are crashed on the living room couch staring at the tube trying to forget that their wife or girl friend are alone in the bedroom wishing that they maybe didn’t sign up for eHarmony.com after all. I really have nothing against capitalism it’s just that there’s a time and place you know? Like those Boston Medical Group radio ads that are on stations mostly during drive time slots. For some reason they don’t bug me, either cuz the radio airwaves won’t allow them to use shots of bathtubs or guys washing cars to show what being horny really looks like or they just maybe a little sexy. I mean that girl says they can cure you in one visit! Whether they can or not it does sound kinda exciting. What do they do? Do you get to pick out your therapist from a line of Doctors when you go inside the office? Do they have one not so good looking one just to make it seem legit? Do you have to bring a butt load of dollar bills with you? So many questions. So what I’m willing to do here is make a deal with the dick pill companies. We don’t storm their places of business like after we won and or lost an NBA/NHL Championship and they promise to try to do things another way. Maybe stop making 90% of men in the world thinking they might have a problem when only around 15 or 20 % actually do need their crap sometimes. I’m not an expert on this subject but if as many dudes had a problem in this area as they say then society, as we know it would pretty much stop working. Guys would sure not be watching Hannity or O’Reilly on cable here in the USA after they figured out they were at the mercy of a little pill. It would be way worse than Mad Max times out there. My advice to the Madison Avenue suits who decide what garbage to push on us, maybe think twice about messing with the one area that men plan their day around. Get in their heads about having bad breath or possibly athlete’s foot but never, ever mess with the penis. Not a smart call at all. Later. |
||
| 2011-08-09 | Obama's Stolen Base | |
| Have you ever been on a team where everyone made fun of your coach? People saying he was a total wuss. A wimp. A softy who would get rolled by a camp fire girl? Well, that’s the deal with us sorta Democrats and our Prez right now. It’s really embarrassing and I’m even thinking of changing teams. No, not to the dark side with those bad ass Republicans. I’m not fucking crazy or anything. And no not that colored party either, I think they’re green or purple. Nope, I wanna be on a winning team that at least gets in one punch before being bitch slapped to death. I haven’t found one yet but there must be some group that can stand up to these right wing thugs and say if I hear one more word about tax cuts for corporations or doing away with the couple of rules left for fat cats to avoid then we are gonna send Courtney Love over to their place for a sit down. If that doesn’t scare the shit out of them then we threaten to send Sean Young with her. That should more than take care of it. All the cable news channels are saying Obama’s base is now history. It took me a few weeks to figure out what that meant. At first I thought they were saying he was robbed by some junkie. Now I get that it really means all the people who thought he was gonna be a different sort of president, one that wasn’t a total whore are sad/mad these days. Me? I don’t think he’s sold out 100%, maybe just 89%. It could be worse you know. I mean our last head cheese was so bought and paid for I heard he still to this day has one of those bar codes on the base of his skull that the checkers at Safeway use to tell how much something is worth. I don’t personally know how much W actually cost but his people for sure got more than their money’s worth out of him. From the dudes who make war toys to the oil guys to the drug companies he was their freaking Santa with a bottom less bag of goodies. What’s not to love? So say what you want about Bush Jr., he delivered big time. Then there is Barack Obama, someone who could not stay in a penny, nickel, and quarter poker game holding 3 aces. I swear he’d totally fold if he couldn’t draw another ace. Nice man (I still really, really like him but it feels so wrong) and bad at any game other than hoops. Thank god he wasn’t president when we crushed Hitler and that Japanese Emperor guy cuz he might have given them a do over. What I’m saying here is the man does not understand Republicans and or tea people will never buy into anything other than total victory. Right now they may not be doing a touchdown dance after that debt limit thingy but only cuz everyone knows elephant people can’t move around the floor worth shit. It’s the genes man. Something passed on from way back. The bottom line is they are the Yankees and we are the Seattle Mariners. If there was a scoreboard for who won the fights about stuff since around 1980 it would read: Greedy Bastards 254 – Little Pussies 12. I say it all stops here. We just say enough is enough and start punching back (even a few shots to the nuts). Right now we got 2 of the 3 places with power so we throw our weight around a little. Stop worrying about those damn “independents’ and getting re elected. Maybe just do what’s right for this country and whatever happens so be it. If the Lipton crowd doesn’t like it then let them try that seceding route the governor of Texas was spouting off about a while ago. So we lose a few hick states way down south, BFD! Ok, maybe Oklahoma and Utah too, ummmm like that would be a bad thing? You know that Cali & NY aren’t going anywhere. Florida with all the old people who still remember how that first try at splitting up the country went won’t buy into it either. Washington and Oregon have way too many granola people. That state Boston is in learned it’s lesson with the Mittster and won’t go down that road again. Michigan may be full of people without jobs but they still can watch Ed Schultz on TV at the bar the first of the month so they know what’s up these days. There are probably a few more states willing to flip off the GOP so I think it will be enough to fill up a new flag. Maybe 9 or 10 stars or x’s so it won’t look too lame. The other side might have a hell of lot more on their flag but just remember most of those states have more pit bulls than people so who cares? The money people behind these teanicks think they’ve now made Obama’s fan club so mad at him that they will either sit home or vote for Ralph Nader again in Nov 2012. Yeah, right! It’s like when I’m pissed off at just about everyone in my family (especially my cousin Greg who still owes me 75 bucks from the 10th grade) when it comes down to it they are still family you know. We may call our president spineless and softer than Salma Hayek’s breasts (yes, they are real) but he’s still our guy. They will never understand that so they can continue to spend billions beating him up and screwing with that Dow thingy cuz it just won’t work. He’s our screw up and we will still dig him no matter what. When he gets re elected maybe then they will get it but probably not. You know when he wins again FOX NEWS, Rush and that Club for Growth will throw out that he wasn’t really a socialist, no but he really is an ex Crip who is going to spray paint the White House blue before he moves out. That or something about him selling crack or smack in Baltimore when he was supposed to be hanging at Camp David. They will trot out their fake video and photo shopped pics of him flashing gang signs while tending to his ho’s on some street corner. The details really don’t matter do they? Everyone knows how this is going to go down and I say bring it on. The way I see it white people have two choices, they can go with their gut and feel a little better about being underwater and out of work by hating on Obama or they can pull back the curtain and take a peek at the wizard who is really pulling the strings that got them into this mess. Here’s a hint, it sure ain’t some black dude from Hawaii I can tell you that much. If you really think the reason we are about one more bad day away from living in one of those Mad Max movies for real is health care for all or free birth control pills for the ladies then you got issues man. No matter how many times the Wall Street gangsters try to rapes us and then blame those darn Keynesian ideas (whatever that is) when things go south we still have to stay strong and call bullshit on them. Let them think Barack Obama’s Facebook pals don’t like him anymore. Truth is we may not have the hope thing anymore but we still have his back and I’m pretty sure of that. Later. |
||
| Next | Last |
If you email Spike, he'll read it.
Copyright 2009 Spud Goodman Productions