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| 2010-07-29 | The Scary Black People On FOX NEWS | |
| When I was little whenever the face of that wicked witch on the Wizard Of Oz would come on the tv I would start feeling really scared. Don’t know exactly why cuz she doesn’t like murder a ton of people and munch on their livers or anything. In fact I don’t think she even kills anyone in the thing but still she made me pee the bed a few times after being forced to watch her by my older sister. Just a peek of her black Gothy dress, green face and pointy nose would do the trick. Even these days when I’m flipping the channel and come across her I really, really quickly go to Sports Center or The 700 Club and hope I don’t have to change the sheets the next morning. What I’m getting at here is I do know what it feels like to be freaked out. Now I’ve said it. So when other people go through this I think I know how they feel. Most don’t like to admit it. I mean who wants to seem like a total pussy to everyone? Like right now I’m betting I’m gonna regret telling you about my wicked witch story but it does help me explain why the suits at FOX NEWS keep pulling out their version of a wicked witch (black folks) for the people who drink up their channel 24/7. They do it cuz it works for them! Duh. Now I know not everyone is scared of black people, I mean the NBA is popular even in Oklahoma City but away from the arenas and ballparks they still do the trick with a lot of us Americans. Show them some video of a black dude not smiling and it does get the juices going. Can you blame them after they maybe lost their job or girlfriend to one of them? Everyone knows that white people are sick and tired of getting the short end of the stick these days just cuz of the color of their skin so thank god FOX NEWS is there for them. Like where would they go to feel ok about being so pissed off without this channel? Smacking the kid or wife/husband is now against the law. They could take up cage fighting or Australian Rules Football but what about those guys with a beer gut who can’t see their toes or some lady with a bad back? Angry white un athletic people need someplace to let off some steam besides a militia or tea party rally. To hear someone besides themselves speak the truth about what’s going on in this country otherwise they start to worry they’re the only crazy person who thinks like that. I wonder if everyone really understands how valuable FOX NEWS is to America. Yeah a lot of liberals say Hannity, O’Reilly and Beck play their viewers like an accordion but I’m thinking they actually are doing us all a big favor. If these guys were around in March of 1968 maybe James Earl Ray doesn't shoot Martin Luther King, just maybe he would have sat in front of his black n white console glued to somebody who sounded like those guys and knew his kinda country wasn't going anywhere after all so maybe he didn't need to do something stupid. It’s possible that Rupert’s posse gives a bit of hope to a butt load of right wing wack jobs who just might be shooting up the country right now. There’s nothing scarier than someone with no hope right? When this channel first came on cable tv in 1986 they had to make sure it didn’t get lost in cable hell so they figured out the way to blow up quick, speak to the abused white guys who will never have much money but will go to their grave thinking they will. From the get go it worked pretty freaking well. It didn’t hurt that they paid all the cable companies way more than the other news channels to be carried so they got put on basic cable everywhere. Like that “Catch A Predator” socialist channel is on the package you gotta pay a few bucks more for and CNN was so flipping boring it was almost like a rigged game or something. Ok it did take a little while to get their act together and become mega popular with those Ricky Nelson families cuz the only real “Go To” monster in those days was Al Sharpton. Jessie Jackson was still kinda big but he was sorta rhymed out and nobody cared much about what he said anymore. Al was the real deal for FOX NEWS and they owe him big time but even he got too safe after awhile (especially when he hosted SNL) so they had to keep finding even scarier Negro’s. It must be a tough gig for the suits there cuz like pro wrestling, the show can’t go on without a bad guy, someone wearing a black hat. I wouldn’t want their job cuz I know they have to work their ass off to keep it fresh. Like lately they’ve gone to the way, way back machine by showing this leader of "The New & Improved Black Panther Party” and his 8 followers to spook the bejesus out of the FOX NEWS nation. You can still catch them there whenever you’re surfing the dial but they really hit paydirt for a few seconds with that totally sorta racist Shirley Sherrod lady. You know, she was the black government worker who said that years ago she was still kinda bummed her father was murdered and no one cared down there in the South so when she had a job helping poor people from losing their farms she thought about not really doing much for this white dude when he asked for a hand in keeping his spread. I guess someone taped it and later sent a little bit of it to this nice man named Andrew Breitbart. He thought it was so neat he put it up on his website (for free). Aren’t the internets cool? Anyway, so everyone now knows she did go the extra yard for the guy and the farm is still in the family to this day but just think, if no one ever came up with the rest of her speech on that video she could have been way bigger than ACCORN or even Hitler for FOX NEWS. For real. Now they have to go out and find somebody new to serve up, I mean they could just use some old Al Sharpton junk until they come up with someone else but that would be pretty lame. I’m pretty sure they’ll give this their best shot and maybe they will find say a rapper who gives free crack away with to fans buying a t-shirt and or posters at his concerts. Or a welfare mom who ate her babies when she ran out of snacks. Or a pimp who has a stable of horses for a very special group of johns? Who knows but it’s gotta be bigger and better than before cuz it just has to be. If they don’t feed their fans what they want, well things could get real, real ugly and fast. That’s the dirty little (not so) secret with FOX NEWS and it should make everyone in this country who says “it’s no different than all those left wing news channels” take a long shower and afterward maybe a spray some Lysol all over too, especially in those hard to find places. Later. |
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| 2010-07-20 | LeBron's Got Next | |
| I get it now. It took me a few days to figure it out but I guess it sorta makes sense. I mean as long as he knows every slow, overweight slob with no J (ok, like me) at Y’s everywhere will totally hate him to his grave then it’s all good. Who would ever like a dude who stacked his 5 instead of shooting for teams like regular people? Ok, except assholes like him? I mean I’m pretty sure he would like himself. I know, I know he’s the “King” but wasn’t there a war way back in this country because of some other King who was a dick too right? That one may have started over taxes and stuff but just about everyone has always hated Kings, all of them, especially these days with so many people out of work. It’s a no brainer when 3 monster stars on the same squad are gonna make over 100 mill apiece to play a game for 5 years it kinda makes them more hate able than the Yankees, the Cowboys or anything Donald Trump has got his stubby little hands on. This is Howard Stern money we are taking about! I know all three of them, Wade, Bosh and James say one ball is enough to play with but when they look at league stats and see that a ton of players that couldn’t beat them at horse (even spotting them h-o-r-s) are now way ahead of them in ppg, well it won’t go down well without a hell of a lot of sugar. Pat Riley can say it’s all about the rings but when the three of them keep seeing their own ppg around 16 or 18 a game they’re gonna snap. That’s Andre Iguodala or Al Harrington territory and it’ll make them puke to know everyone will be checking it out on the internets and laughing their butts off. I mean Michael had a decent posse around him and he delivered over 30 a game in his career. So what I’m getting at here is no matter what they say now points do matter, especially to these guys. Think of Barry Bonds or Mark McGwire bunting runners over instead of going for the pump every time they stepped up to bat. It never happened. It’s in their DNA to be glory hounds. You know what I mean? I tried to think of when I might have been in a situation (not that Jersey dudes abs, while on a job) like LeBron and the only thing I could remember was when I was working at a McDonalds in high school. A couple buddies of mine worked at KFC and wanted me to quit and join them. Be like a dream fast food team on the afternoon shift. It sounded good so without really thinking about it I made the jump. Big mistake. Never even crossed my mind who would be the lead worker. The guy who makes sure no one steals toilet paper or chicken gizzards out of the freezer. Someone has to be the QB no matter how good of buddies you are. That’s what totally killed our buddieness cuz all three of us wanted to be in charge and there could only be one lead worker (and yeah, it wasn’t me). I still don’t talk to Carl or Steve to this day cuz I know I could have done a decent job as the head man but I never got a fair shot (after I got fired at KFC I went back to McDonalds and was a lead on the graveyard shift for almost a week until they caught me borrowing a case of ketchup packets so I know for real I’m management material). Listening to Carl telling me to pick up the pace and later Steve (when Carl quit school and joined the navy) got me so pissed I sometimes put dead ants in their Pepsi’s. It happens. The little people have feelings too man. I didn’t watch LeBron’s “The Decision” movie of the week on ESPN cuz I had other stuff to do (watch Pawn Stars) but I saw the highlights on the news and there’s no doubt he set a world record for those 5th person sayings. Like “LeBron just wants to win” or “LeBron is a loyal person” and oh yeah, “LeBron thirsty, get him a bottle of water.” Someday I’m gonna be somebody and be able to talk in that 5th person way in a bar or something and no one will kick my ass. You gotta dream don’t cha think? Anyway, I guess a billion and a half people watched the “King” drop the word that he was splitting from his hometown and it didn’t exactly go over well there. Now there’s Hitler, Ted Bundy and him in Ohio. There’s a better chance people there will now name their boy babies Nancy than LeBron from here on out so maybe it would be a good idea to hire someone to move his shit to the new South Beach crib. I’m just saying. So I guess the deal with this is pretty simple, if you want to ditch your hometown squad for an automatic win team so be it but don’t call your self the “King” ever again. Can’t say my supporting cast. Can’t thank the guys off the bench for picking him up when he’s had an off night. Can’t even predict a threepeat or fivepeat cuz Wade and Bosh would be winning those without you. He’s not the cake or the frosting, we’re talking just the candles here. Really the only upside for him is he is gonna get 4 or 5 free rings from the league without having to buy them at Jerad, The Galleria Of Jewelry. Now he gets to hunt at the zoo. Fish at a salmon farm. Deal himself black jack over and over. If you ask me this was really weak LeBron. Later. |
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| 2010-07-09 | Russian Spies? | |
| I finally did make it down to the library and was able to snag my favorite computer, the one by the ladies room. It’s almost as good as sitting next to the ladies room at bars cuz sooner or later you get to check out every woman in the place, more than once if they’re drinking coffee. When I first sat down I thought this kinda blonde woman sorta winked at me going in. It turned out I was wrong cuz on the way out she walked right by me without returning my double wink back. It’s really tough to pull off a double wink (using both eyes at the same time) without looking like you are wacked out of your mind. Whatever. Anyway, I guess it’s time to crank out a new one of my blog dealy bob’s so here goes. So what’s up with all these Russian spies everywhere? I mean I thought that country went out of business or something. I know they still make vodka and have a ton of mail order brides but hey aren’t they pretty much a joke these days? Why would this wacky country that can’t even keep track of all their own nuclear junk order people to come over to America to steal information that they wouldn’t probably know what to do with? If it was so important why don’t they just stay home in like Siberia and just download whatever they needed from the internets on their phones? They could have saved some major cash man. Who was the brain there that thought this was a good idea? Boris Badenov? Then I started to wonder what the hell were they really looking for? What top secrets would the wannabe bozo’s I saw on the news actually be able to get? Why do Americans eat corn nuts? Why is Kansas City in Missouri? Is Dick Cheney really a cyborg and will never die? Junk that the Russkies might want to know about but there are more important secrets out there and these doofuses were snooping around in all the wrong places. Even I know that all our good stuff that anyone would want to steal is in one place and it ain’t in Washington DC or some military base. Nope. It’s Hollywood. Duh! The only place these days we make something just about everyone in the world digs and is willing to pay for. Forget about secret plans about some invisible plane or bombs that can spit the earth in half, they should be finding out how we can still sell re runs of Full House to like Romania or Jonas Brothers CD’s to China. That is way more valuable than anything some spook could want to steal. The real money question is how the good old USA can keep selling total crap to the rest of the world? It’s frigging amazing. From what I read in my neighbor’s paper we busted 10 of them and tossed them in jail. I guess they had like 4 of our guys we flipped in their own gray bar hotel. So us and them did what anybody would do when your buddies get caught red handed, they made a trade. Now I know some Fox News fans might be pissed our commie prez making such a shitty deal, 10 for 4 but who knows if one of our 4 was like totally cool and we really, really wanted him back so he was actually worth 8 or 9 by himself. You just don’t know. Anyway, the trade couldn’t be worse than Robert “Tractor” Traylor for Dirk Nowitzki. Nuff said huh? The one thing I do know is trying to steal secrets is a tough biz. I remember in the 10th grade when I swiped a civics test from Mr. Rathborne’s desk before finals. I thought it was a major score, made a bunch of copies, sold them for 5 bucks apiece and then found out later he sticks out a fake test every year just to see who the slimeballs of his class are. I know, very old trick. I’m thinking most of those 10 losers from the sorta Soviet Union are now wishing they would have just quit and bought a mobile home in like Fresno or Huntsville. Now they get shipped home and they lose everything that’s so neat about this country like HBO, Youporn and Orange Julius. What a bummer. I’m betting our guys though have already bought a Miami Heat jersey on the way home at the airport and got stocked up on a butt load of kettle corn too. Hopefully we can see them on Jay Leno’s show soon and find out what they were able to uncover for our country. Well I gotta go now cuz a new Mall Cops – Mall of America is on TLC and that is must see tv for me this summer. Later. |
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