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| 2010-07-29 | The Scary Black People On FOX NEWS |
| When I was little whenever the face of that wicked witch on the Wizard Of Oz would come on the tv I would start feeling really scared. Don’t know exactly why cuz she doesn’t like murder a ton of people and munch on their livers or anything. In fact I don’t think she even kills anyone in the thing but still she made me pee the bed a few times after being forced to watch her by my older sister. Just a peek of her black Gothy dress, green face and pointy nose would do the trick. Even these days when I’m flipping the channel and come across her I really, really quickly go to Sports Center or The 700 Club and hope I don’t have to change the sheets the next morning. What I’m getting at here is I do know what it feels like to be freaked out. Now I’ve said it. So when other people go through this I think I know how they feel. Most don’t like to admit it. I mean who wants to seem like a total pussy to everyone? Like right now I’m betting I’m gonna regret telling you about my wicked witch story but it does help me explain why the suits at FOX NEWS keep pulling out their version of a wicked witch (black folks) for the people who drink up their channel 24/7. They do it cuz it works for them! Duh. Now I know not everyone is scared of black people, I mean the NBA is popular even in Oklahoma City but away from the arenas and ballparks they still do the trick with a lot of us Americans. Show them some video of a black dude not smiling and it does get the juices going. Can you blame them after they maybe lost their job or girlfriend to one of them? Everyone knows that white people are sick and tired of getting the short end of the stick these days just cuz of the color of their skin so thank god FOX NEWS is there for them. Like where would they go to feel ok about being so pissed off without this channel? Smacking the kid or wife/husband is now against the law. They could take up cage fighting or Australian Rules Football but what about those guys with a beer gut who can’t see their toes or some lady with a bad back? Angry white un athletic people need someplace to let off some steam besides a militia or tea party rally. To hear someone besides themselves speak the truth about what’s going on in this country otherwise they start to worry they’re the only crazy person who thinks like that. I wonder if everyone really understands how valuable FOX NEWS is to America. Yeah a lot of liberals say Hannity, O’Reilly and Beck play their viewers like an accordion but I’m thinking they actually are doing us all a big favor. If these guys were around in March of 1968 maybe James Earl Ray doesn't shoot Martin Luther King, just maybe he would have sat in front of his black n white console glued to somebody who sounded like those guys and knew his kinda country wasn't going anywhere after all so maybe he didn't need to do something stupid. It’s possible that Rupert’s posse gives a bit of hope to a butt load of right wing wack jobs who just might be shooting up the country right now. There’s nothing scarier than someone with no hope right? When this channel first came on cable tv in 1986 they had to make sure it didn’t get lost in cable hell so they figured out the way to blow up quick, speak to the abused white guys who will never have much money but will go to their grave thinking they will. From the get go it worked pretty freaking well. It didn’t hurt that they paid all the cable companies way more than the other news channels to be carried so they got put on basic cable everywhere. Like that “Catch A Predator” socialist channel is on the package you gotta pay a few bucks more for and CNN was so flipping boring it was almost like a rigged game or something. Ok it did take a little while to get their act together and become mega popular with those Ricky Nelson families cuz the only real “Go To” monster in those days was Al Sharpton. Jessie Jackson was still kinda big but he was sorta rhymed out and nobody cared much about what he said anymore. Al was the real deal for FOX NEWS and they owe him big time but even he got too safe after awhile (especially when he hosted SNL) so they had to keep finding even scarier Negro’s. It must be a tough gig for the suits there cuz like pro wrestling, the show can’t go on without a bad guy, someone wearing a black hat. I wouldn’t want their job cuz I know they have to work their ass off to keep it fresh. Like lately they’ve gone to the way, way back machine by showing this leader of "The New & Improved Black Panther Party” and his 8 followers to spook the bejesus out of the FOX NEWS nation. You can still catch them there whenever you’re surfing the dial but they really hit paydirt for a few seconds with that totally sorta racist Shirley Sherrod lady. You know, she was the black government worker who said that years ago she was still kinda bummed her father was murdered and no one cared down there in the South so when she had a job helping poor people from losing their farms she thought about not really doing much for this white dude when he asked for a hand in keeping his spread. I guess someone taped it and later sent a little bit of it to this nice man named Andrew Breitbart. He thought it was so neat he put it up on his website (for free). Aren’t the internets cool? Anyway, so everyone now knows she did go the extra yard for the guy and the farm is still in the family to this day but just think, if no one ever came up with the rest of her speech on that video she could have been way bigger than ACCORN or even Hitler for FOX NEWS. For real. Now they have to go out and find somebody new to serve up, I mean they could just use some old Al Sharpton junk until they come up with someone else but that would be pretty lame. I’m pretty sure they’ll give this their best shot and maybe they will find say a rapper who gives free crack away with to fans buying a t-shirt and or posters at his concerts. Or a welfare mom who ate her babies when she ran out of snacks. Or a pimp who has a stable of horses for a very special group of johns? Who knows but it’s gotta be bigger and better than before cuz it just has to be. If they don’t feed their fans what they want, well things could get real, real ugly and fast. That’s the dirty little (not so) secret with FOX NEWS and it should make everyone in this country who says “it’s no different than all those left wing news channels” take a long shower and afterward maybe a spray some Lysol all over too, especially in those hard to find places. Later. |
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| 2010-07-20 | LeBron's Got Next |
| I get it now. It took me a few days to figure it out but I guess it sorta makes sense. I mean as long as he knows every slow, overweight slob with no J (ok, like me) at Y’s everywhere will totally hate him to his grave then it’s all good. Who would ever like a dude who stacked his 5 instead of shooting for teams like regular people? Ok, except assholes like him? I mean I’m pretty sure he would like himself. I know, I know he’s the “King” but wasn’t there a war way back in this country because of some other King who was a dick too right? That one may have started over taxes and stuff but just about everyone has always hated Kings, all of them, especially these days with so many people out of work. It’s a no brainer when 3 monster stars on the same squad are gonna make over 100 mill apiece to play a game for 5 years it kinda makes them more hate able than the Yankees, the Cowboys or anything Donald Trump has got his stubby little hands on. This is Howard Stern money we are taking about! I know all three of them, Wade, Bosh and James say one ball is enough to play with but when they look at league stats and see that a ton of players that couldn’t beat them at horse (even spotting them h-o-r-s) are now way ahead of them in ppg, well it won’t go down well without a hell of a lot of sugar. Pat Riley can say it’s all about the rings but when the three of them keep seeing their own ppg around 16 or 18 a game they’re gonna snap. That’s Andre Iguodala or Al Harrington territory and it’ll make them puke to know everyone will be checking it out on the internets and laughing their butts off. I mean Michael had a decent posse around him and he delivered over 30 a game in his career. So what I’m getting at here is no matter what they say now points do matter, especially to these guys. Think of Barry Bonds or Mark McGwire bunting runners over instead of going for the pump every time they stepped up to bat. It never happened. It’s in their DNA to be glory hounds. You know what I mean? I tried to think of when I might have been in a situation (not that Jersey dudes abs, while on a job) like LeBron and the only thing I could remember was when I was working at a McDonalds in high school. A couple buddies of mine worked at KFC and wanted me to quit and join them. Be like a dream fast food team on the afternoon shift. It sounded good so without really thinking about it I made the jump. Big mistake. Never even crossed my mind who would be the lead worker. The guy who makes sure no one steals toilet paper or chicken gizzards out of the freezer. Someone has to be the QB no matter how good of buddies you are. That’s what totally killed our buddieness cuz all three of us wanted to be in charge and there could only be one lead worker (and yeah, it wasn’t me). I still don’t talk to Carl or Steve to this day cuz I know I could have done a decent job as the head man but I never got a fair shot (after I got fired at KFC I went back to McDonalds and was a lead on the graveyard shift for almost a week until they caught me borrowing a case of ketchup packets so I know for real I’m management material). Listening to Carl telling me to pick up the pace and later Steve (when Carl quit school and joined the navy) got me so pissed I sometimes put dead ants in their Pepsi’s. It happens. The little people have feelings too man. I didn’t watch LeBron’s “The Decision” movie of the week on ESPN cuz I had other stuff to do (watch Pawn Stars) but I saw the highlights on the news and there’s no doubt he set a world record for those 5th person sayings. Like “LeBron just wants to win” or “LeBron is a loyal person” and oh yeah, “LeBron thirsty, get him a bottle of water.” Someday I’m gonna be somebody and be able to talk in that 5th person way in a bar or something and no one will kick my ass. You gotta dream don’t cha think? Anyway, I guess a billion and a half people watched the “King” drop the word that he was splitting from his hometown and it didn’t exactly go over well there. Now there’s Hitler, Ted Bundy and him in Ohio. There’s a better chance people there will now name their boy babies Nancy than LeBron from here on out so maybe it would be a good idea to hire someone to move his shit to the new South Beach crib. I’m just saying. So I guess the deal with this is pretty simple, if you want to ditch your hometown squad for an automatic win team so be it but don’t call your self the “King” ever again. Can’t say my supporting cast. Can’t thank the guys off the bench for picking him up when he’s had an off night. Can’t even predict a threepeat or fivepeat cuz Wade and Bosh would be winning those without you. He’s not the cake or the frosting, we’re talking just the candles here. Really the only upside for him is he is gonna get 4 or 5 free rings from the league without having to buy them at Jerad, The Galleria Of Jewelry. Now he gets to hunt at the zoo. Fish at a salmon farm. Deal himself black jack over and over. If you ask me this was really weak LeBron. Later. |
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| 2010-07-09 | Russian Spies? |
| I finally did make it down to the library and was able to snag my favorite computer, the one by the ladies room. It’s almost as good as sitting next to the ladies room at bars cuz sooner or later you get to check out every woman in the place, more than once if they’re drinking coffee. When I first sat down I thought this kinda blonde woman sorta winked at me going in. It turned out I was wrong cuz on the way out she walked right by me without returning my double wink back. It’s really tough to pull off a double wink (using both eyes at the same time) without looking like you are wacked out of your mind. Whatever. Anyway, I guess it’s time to crank out a new one of my blog dealy bob’s so here goes. So what’s up with all these Russian spies everywhere? I mean I thought that country went out of business or something. I know they still make vodka and have a ton of mail order brides but hey aren’t they pretty much a joke these days? Why would this wacky country that can’t even keep track of all their own nuclear junk order people to come over to America to steal information that they wouldn’t probably know what to do with? If it was so important why don’t they just stay home in like Siberia and just download whatever they needed from the internets on their phones? They could have saved some major cash man. Who was the brain there that thought this was a good idea? Boris Badenov? Then I started to wonder what the hell were they really looking for? What top secrets would the wannabe bozo’s I saw on the news actually be able to get? Why do Americans eat corn nuts? Why is Kansas City in Missouri? Is Dick Cheney really a cyborg and will never die? Junk that the Russkies might want to know about but there are more important secrets out there and these doofuses were snooping around in all the wrong places. Even I know that all our good stuff that anyone would want to steal is in one place and it ain’t in Washington DC or some military base. Nope. It’s Hollywood. Duh! The only place these days we make something just about everyone in the world digs and is willing to pay for. Forget about secret plans about some invisible plane or bombs that can spit the earth in half, they should be finding out how we can still sell re runs of Full House to like Romania or Jonas Brothers CD’s to China. That is way more valuable than anything some spook could want to steal. The real money question is how the good old USA can keep selling total crap to the rest of the world? It’s frigging amazing. From what I read in my neighbor’s paper we busted 10 of them and tossed them in jail. I guess they had like 4 of our guys we flipped in their own gray bar hotel. So us and them did what anybody would do when your buddies get caught red handed, they made a trade. Now I know some Fox News fans might be pissed our commie prez making such a shitty deal, 10 for 4 but who knows if one of our 4 was like totally cool and we really, really wanted him back so he was actually worth 8 or 9 by himself. You just don’t know. Anyway, the trade couldn’t be worse than Robert “Tractor” Traylor for Dirk Nowitzki. Nuff said huh? The one thing I do know is trying to steal secrets is a tough biz. I remember in the 10th grade when I swiped a civics test from Mr. Rathborne’s desk before finals. I thought it was a major score, made a bunch of copies, sold them for 5 bucks apiece and then found out later he sticks out a fake test every year just to see who the slimeballs of his class are. I know, very old trick. I’m thinking most of those 10 losers from the sorta Soviet Union are now wishing they would have just quit and bought a mobile home in like Fresno or Huntsville. Now they get shipped home and they lose everything that’s so neat about this country like HBO, Youporn and Orange Julius. What a bummer. I’m betting our guys though have already bought a Miami Heat jersey on the way home at the airport and got stocked up on a butt load of kettle corn too. Hopefully we can see them on Jay Leno’s show soon and find out what they were able to uncover for our country. Well I gotta go now cuz a new Mall Cops – Mall of America is on TLC and that is must see tv for me this summer. Later. |
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| 2010-06-21 | Summer Re Run # 2 |
This summer re-run deal is cool cuz now I can rest my brain. It has been hurting a lot lately. Mostly from thinking and then typing what I'm thinking. It's a lot of work to write more than a sentence or two at a time. You try it. Anyway, I think I'll head back down to the library next week and write something new on their computer for this blog thingy but for now hope this will be ok. Later Fox News Blondes Part 2 Now I’m starting to freak out cuz it’s getting way worse. I was even thinking of going to one of those 13 step meetings to help me kick this thing. This is no joke man, these days it’s blondes or nothing, not even a sorta blonde will do the trick. I’m an addict and I need to come clean. The truth is I really can’t stop watching FOX NEWS even if I wanted to. It’s on like 25 hours a day in my apartment. I used to watch for awhile during the day and then surf on over to ESPN or the Speed Channel but now it stays lock and loaded on the house of peroxide no matter how bad I want to check out something else. How did I get this bad? Who knows? I could try and blame someone or something but what good would that do? No, I just need to fix it and fast. Having this problem really does mess up your life cuz nothing gets done anymore. Not even simple stuff like taking a shower or trimming the nose hairs. I go to sleep with FOX NEWS on and wake up with FOX NEWS on. It’s the only place on the tube where I know I can find all blonde women all the time. I mean I could waste hours flipping around to other news shows and find one here or one there but it’s too much freaking work. I tried to change the channel the last few weeks, once to that Lou Dobbs’s show and a couple times to Rachel Maddow but there wasn’t one single blonde on for 60 full minutes so I started to jones pretty fast before I went back to my Aryan safe house. Ok, I also checked out that Fastball show with Chris Matthews cuz he has sorta blonde hair. And how does a 60 year old dude still have blonde hair? Anyway, after about 5 minutes of listening to him interrupt people I started sweating and had to switch back to my Megyn Kelly - www.elle.com/Entertainment/Movies-TV/10-Things-About-Me-Megyn-Kelly or Gretchen Carlson - www.zimbio.com/Gretchen+Carlson or Martha McCullom - www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPtiZGKE--Y or ……. I shouldn’t really play favorites here, I mean there’s so many I can’t even count them but for the record I do love them all the same. This tea party thing that FOX NEWS keeps yakking about all the time is flipping boring by the way but the blondes still keep me watching this crap. It’s kinda sick don’t you think? Everyone knows that they are trying to get all the angry white gay guys to tune in cuz they already have the angry white non gay guys, the white gun lovers, the white supremacists, the white taxidermists, and the white whatevers already glued to their channel. Tea bags are nice if you put them in hot water but any other use is too weird for me. I’m really surprised the women on this channel would keep bringing up this disgusting thing that I hate to even think about. They must give them bonus bucks each time they mention the word tea bag cuz no woman I know would ever even say it out loud. I know a lot of people dig kinky stuff, it’s no secret that Bill O’Reilly is into caged bum fights, it’s true, I read it in a blog at condron.us/. The thing is though I really don’t want to know the dirt on all my favorite cable news hosts. It sorta breaks the wall and I get really depressed when I hear these people are just as messed up as me. If I want to watch fucked up people then I would just stand in the bathroom all day and look at myself in the mirror ranting about the 10% of this country who make over 250,000 bucks and are now getting screwed by having to pay 3% more each year on their income tax! I can understand why that makes Glenn Beck spew like a river. I mean 3% of what he earns is like enough to buy a Hummer or something. Think about it, say in a decade he would have 10 less sorta tanks he could have stuck in his garage if it wasn't for comrade Obama. It’s just not fair and balanced for rich people so I guess that’s why FOX NEWS is so all over this Tea Bag thing disgusting as it is. If I ever am able to get over my thing for blonde cable news hosts then there’s a chance my mom will no longer be embarrassed to say she gave birth to me. I really don’t know if it’s even possible but I know you have to have hope if you want to change your life. I figured out how many hours a day I would have to like get a job, clean up my apartment and maybe even find a real life blonde woman to go out on a date with me if I could just get this thing under control. When you add them all up it comes to 24. I guess I should also tell everyone that I may live to watch the FOX NEWS fair haired hotties on tv but in real life I have never even shook hands with a human blonde, ever. Not once. Pretty freaking lame huh? Ok, not counting the time I went to this strip club and I accidentally tripped this dancer as she was coming off stage. I guess I wasn’t looking and I fell on her. When the bouncers came and tossed me out I tried to say I didn’t do it on purpose but I guess rules are rules. No touching except in the champagne room and I violated that one big time. Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’m not the only screwed up guy who watches FOX NEWS. There’s gotta be a butt load of dudes like me out there. My mom said I should look on the internet for one of those forums thingy’s where people share their problems and help each other. That would be easier than one of those inpatient treatment programs and a lot cheaper too. If anyone out there knows of a place online where people who have this problem can go and get help please let me know would you? I should wrap this thing up about now cuz Laura Ingraham - www.lauraingraham.com is sitting in for Sean Hannity and well, she really, really, really does it for me. I think there’s a good chance she’s a legit blonde too even though everyone says her roots are showing. I say people should stop being mean and have some faith. What kind of world do we live in when a woman gets questions about her natural hair color? Sometimes you just have to have faith in people you know what I mean? I will keep you posted on how things are going and if I’m able to kick this problem. If not then I guess I’m stuck in FOX NEWS hell forever and will just have to make the best of it. If anyone reading this knows how to get a hold of any of the (only) blonde anchors on this list digg.com/d1n4y0 could you let me know ASAP? I’m kinda thinking of asking one of them to my high school re union. I figure the old ask a hundred women out and one might say yes could work. You never know. Wish me luck. Later |
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| 2010-06-16 | Summer Re Run #1 |
| I really don't know if I'm big enough to actually do this but it seemed like a neat idea when I first thought of it. For the next couple weeks I'm going on vacation. I'm not actually going anywhere but I made up my mind to do nothing except sit on my couch and watch the full second season of Dog The Bounty Hunter. My upstairs neighbor gave me the DVD he got from the library. It's already overdue so what's the big deal if it gets there a few weeks from now? So anyway here goes my first try at doing a re-run that will fill up some space until I get done watching Dog. Hope you've never read this before or it was so lame you already forgot about reading it a long time ago. Blondes On Fox News Part 1 Now I know some of you out there think I’m like a hater of the FOX NEWS cable channel and I want to say it’s just not true. I’m no white power kind of white guy but I do find myself tuned into them for like hours and hours. I’ve been thinking a lot about why I watch it so much and the only thing I can figure out is I guess I dig all the Aryan chicks. I mean they look like they came out of a factory that cranks out hot blondes from Berlin but without the accent. I know it’s lame to like these kind of women but I just can’t help myself. I’m thinking maybe that’s why FOX NEWS kicks the ass of all the other cable news channels in the ratings. For some reason CNN put’s on women that are real news people and they look old and puffy. There’s this one lady called Candy Crowley who does the political stuff and besides not being a babe, she’s way too smart for the average guy watching at home. It’s not a fair fight. When I see her rapping with that Wolfman guy about Clinton vs. Obama I have to flip it to FOX NEWS after a few minutes to get my head straight with a blonde fix. On MSNBC they sorta have a few blondes on but their hair isn’t bleached enough. They look like kinda blondes and until they commit to the full meal deal it’s not happening for me. How many sorta blondes do you ever see at strip clubs or Hooters? Those women know the recipe and they don’t mess around. They never have to worry about their roots cuz I read nowadays they just inject some serious dye into the brain. Total blondes for life. Sure the article said there’s some side effects like strokes and vomiting but any young woman just out of broadcasting school knows that’s a small price to pay for a ticket to the big leagues. I know for a fact I can’t watch any news without one or two blondes telling me about stuff I don’t really care about. It’s a must. It wasn’t always this way. When I was younger and before FOX NEWS came on I didn’t really think much about what the people on the news looked like. If I wanted to get a buzz on looking at tv eye candy I went to normal places like Baywatch or Women’s tennis. Since I couldn’t afford cable in those days I had to get by with whatever I could find. Thank god that Murdoch dude sprung for his news channel cuz who needs Baywatch re runs these days? Do I feel it’s cool to watch people who may look hot but read things off their teleprompters that make me feel dirty? The answer is no but I'm not ashamed cuz men are dogs and everyone knows it. I am what I am. Or are. Or is it….. Oh well, you know what I mean. I sometimes lay awake at night trying to figure out which blonde on FOX NEWS is the hottest. There are so many of them that I can never get through them all before I fall asleep so I still haven’t made the call. I do have a major thing for Gretchen who’s on in the morning with that FOX & Friends Show. The program is just another of their piece of crap happy talk Limbaugh lite show’s but I can’t stop thinking what it would be like to take her to a Coldstone and share a cone. Maybe even touch her hair. It would be the highlight of my life. Sure it probably won’t ever happen but a guy can dream can’t he? See that’s what makes FOX NEWS so different from everybody else. They can make you dream. Not about news but about other stuff like well, a full head of stiff blonde hair. Maybe two cans of Aqua Net stiff. Now that’s a fantasy come true. I understand it may not work for you but my thing goes way back to when I had this kindergarten teacher Ms. Larson who, yeah, was blonde. The thing I still cannot get out of my head is she didn’t shave and when she went to the chalkboard to write something we all could see the hair on her head did not match what was under her arm pits. That was very confusing to a 5 year old. It made all of us in the class confront the fact that life was really complicated and I know for sure some of us never got over it. It’s got to be why I won’t sit and watch any non blonde women on the tube spew information. Maybe you have your own story about why you prefer blondes on the news. I can’t be the only one who has this hang up. Like I said check the ratings. I should probably say right now I am dating a redhead so I’m not that big a freak. I’ve worked really hard on this and the shrink I see thinks in a couple more years I just might be able to go cold turkey and watch C-Span. We shall see. I'll keep you posted. Later. |
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