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| 2010-03-10 | Glenn Beck's Chalk Board |
| I know this guy Glenn Beck is a dick but I can’t stop watching his tv show these days. I’m not proud that I can’t kick the habit. I do think I’ve figured out why this is happening though and it may be the reason other people keep watching his crappy program too. It’s the blackboard. I really think it is. Something deep down inside me, deeper than my gall bladder or intestines is saying that it’s pretty neat. The blackboard, not the dumb shit with the sorta crew cut. Maybe my mind is saying enough with those high tech toys that most shows use, remember your glory years in grade school where you were kinda smart (it’s really tough for anyone to think you’re dumb in like the 4th grade). In those days it was pretty easy to remember stuff the teacher wrote down with your basic white chalk. Some days they used yellow but that was mostly for important stuff like when it was Dr. Seuss’s birthday or early dismissal. It really messes with my head when I know most of the stuff he says is pulled out of his ass but it still sorta seeps into my brain and I’m kinda worried what it’s is doing in there. Will it come spewing out at a bad time? Like if I’m at a black friends house hanging out and all of a sudden I start dropping a rant about Van Jones or Rev Wright will I piss them off? It’s been on my mind lately, where does all this information go? I figure if I watch like 2 or 3 of Glenn Beck shows a week there’s a ton of gunk swirling inside me and it’s got to go somewhere. Maybe I will pee it away but I doubt it. It could be inside me forever and that’s scary man. One night last week I couldn’t sleep cuz I kept seeing that chalk board and all those words like “Communist” “Socialist” “Nazi” “Progressive” “Social Justice” “Stalin” “Welfare State” “Auto Erotic-Asphyxia”(ahhh maybe that last one was from TMZ). Anyway, the point is Glenn Beck is wrecking my mind and I don’t like it. I just wish he would stop going old school and try one of those thingy’s John Madden uses on football games. You know where he writes those squiggles and drunk fans at home scream at the tv cuz they already know what a play action pass or a zone blocking scheme is so why is he messing up the screen? If Beck used one of those his garbage would be in one ear and out the other. I could watch his show 24/7 and there would be no harm no foul but I’m thinking there’s no way he’s gonna ditch the chalkboard any time soon. I guess he’s more popular now on FOX NEWS than that chubby ex frat boy Hannity or O’Reilly so we might as well get used to him being in our face for at least 2 or 3 more years. I figure about 2013 or so he will flame out with a bust on some sex deal and then try and make a comeback later on one of VH1’s rehab programs. He reminds me of Jason except as far as I know he doesn’t kill everyone around him with his own hands. No, he does it slowly by getting millions of people to watch his tv program and listen to his radio show and then their internal organs start to shut down. It’s not pretty. Have you seen what those Tea Baggers on the news look like? Try Dawn of The Dead but with only white people. At least George Romero would throw in a couple black or Puerto Rican zombies. His movies looked like America but Beck’s show looks like a Curling match on the CBC. Don’t he and all his jealous bro’s on Fox News know that they’ll soon be kissing the ass of people that don’t look like them? It’ll be like the Alamo and remember it didn’t end real well for the team that bought into that “manifest destiny” scam. The thing about him saying Obama is trying to turn this country into a commie crash pad for lazy slobs just doesn’t make sense to me and yesterday he wrote with his own hands that the Prez wants all of the terrorists in that sandy part of the world to come and visit the USA. I had never heard this one before but I guess he wants them to see that we have so much neat stuff here and hopes they won’t wanna blow it up. It’s hard to believe like most of Beck’s stuff but what if he’s on the money on this one? Or what if Obamacare does mean the End of Days are here. That would be a real bummer. I mean I could deal with it and everything cuz I owe a shitload of money on a bunch of credit cards but if we all go now no one would ever get to see if the Who ever retire for good or what Jennifer Anniston would look like at 65 or if Toyota ever fixed their death cars. It’s not the best time for the world to close up shop if you ask me so I really, really hope that Glenn Beck is full of it and nothing he writes down on his chalk board comes true. Ok, except the one about Progressives baking pot brownies and giving them away free at malls everywhere. That would be kinda cool. Maybe once or twice a year. Later. |
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| 2010-02-23 | John Mayer |
| I think his name is John Mayer, a singer/something and he’s supposed to be sorta popular with women over 30. I gotta be honest I’ve never heard his stuff, not even on the jukebox at the bars I hang at but I guess someone digs his music or he wouldn’t have had a shot at sleeping with so many famous chicks. Ok, not as many as Marilyn Manson or Wilt Chamberlain but a heck of a lot more famous like that Friends lady and Tony Romo’s old girlfriend. What makes him different is how many really stupid things he has said to people who write it down. I mean when I say something dumb no one cares much but this guy does it so large it gets in every paper, magazine and internet place in the world. I’m thinking now it’s more about how crazy the shit is than how good his skills are. Sure he’s supposed to be a pretty good guitar player besides being a walking top 40 machine but even though he thinks he’s the Larry Bird of blues I’m not buying it. When a dude say’s “My dick is sort of like a White Supremacist” or when he said “Sometimes I wish that I was the weather” or even “I’m sort of half chick ….. I can insert a tampon” you wanna dump a 5 gallon bottle of white out on his head and hope it does the job. How does a living being get to be such an asshole? I guess it’s kinda everyone’s fault cuz people bought a butt load of his “Your Body Is A Disneyland” song. I didn’t get that ditty. How can a human body be an amusement park? It doesn’t make sense. I mean maybe the bodies that he visits are worth the price of admission but mine and the other people I know can only stomach peeking at ours in a pitch dark basement. That’s the way God meant it to be. Who needs to hear about this douche having fun with E ticket models and actresses in broad daylight? Not me that’s for sure. I’m sorta betting if his parents didn’t buy him a guitar when he was in middle school he might not be sharing so much with the world right now. I’m thinking if he couldn’t sell poppy crap to the ladies then he’d probably be working at an Old Navy, possibly as assistant manager. It would be pretty tough for him to spew out one of his snappy quotes to people way more interested in finding 9 dollar t-shirts. Don’t think they would put up with it. One word too many about his dick and they’d just pop in the face cuz most people have stuff to do and listening to a sales clerk be controversial ain’t on the list. He sort of reminds me of this guy Shawn who used to live in my apartment building. He really thought he was smart. You know the type who make wise ass comments really loud hoping someone will think they’re different than everyone else. Like not as lame. The problem is after he passes brain gas 24/7 people pretty much want to squish him like a bad zit. He had to move away after most of the neighbors on the 4th floor started putting duct tape on his face whenever he started to say anything. Even like hi or nice weather. People just didn’t want to risk him saying anything else so they did what they had to do to survive. I heard he’s living in a mobile home out in the desert near Death Valley these days. I hope he’s doing ok cuz I never felt too good about how we treated him. So anyway, this John Mayer guy is so rich I think he can pay people to listen to him say crazy stuff all day long for like 50 years and never worry about someone getting out the duct tape. There’s not much we can really do about him except agree that he’s dead to us if he say’s one more dumb ass thing to get attention. Since I know it’s only a matter of a few hours before he shares again people better get ready to do what they have to do. I know I’m ready to step up and do the right thing. How about you? Later. |
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| 2010-02-04 | Don't Feed The Squirrels |
| I know things in the USA are pretty tough all over right now but geez I had no clue how bad till I read about this dude from like South Carolina. I think his name is Andre Bauer and he is running for governor or something down there. I guess the south must have a ton of poor people breeding all over cuz he thinks it’s time something should be done about them. I never really looked around Tacoma to see if they are all around me too. I hope not. That would totally creep me out. Anyway, what this guy Bauer is saying is everyone with a job and a house needs to just stop feeding these things so they don’t have enough energy to hump each other all day and night. I guess giving them food and stuff is causing a really big problem. I had never really thought about this before but he may have a point here. I mean before you know it they’ll be everywhere, even in the nice neighborhoods with gates. If that happens a shitload of people who live there will have to move cuz nothing is a bigger buzz kill at dinner then seeing things living in cardboard boxes in front of your house. Especially with the little ones hanging on their arms and legs like coat hangers. One thing a lot of people do that live near garbage dumps is to go there at night and shoot as many rats as they can until they run out of ammo. I guess it’s a blast but I haven’t had the chance as there isn’t a dump near me. I read that no matter how many they do blow away it would take a billion years to knock off all of them which is a real bummer. I bet if they would just drop some kind of bunker buster bomb in dumps around America they could take care of the problem in one day and it would also be kinda green or orange or whatever color is supposed to mean smart but some politician would probably say it cost too much money to pull off so I’m thinking of writing one of those letters to the editor to see if normal people might like my idea and we could take up a collection. Or maybe a rich guy will just say, hey what a great suggestion and spring for a couple million to buy them. It could happen, you never know. Besides food a lot of poor people have to go to the hospital and though that Bauer guy didn’t exactly say don’t let them in the door I’m pretty sure he would be ok if there was some secret password to get in cuz if we do let them actually see a doctor and live pretty soon it's gonna take more than just a regular bunker buster bomb to get rid of all the riff raff. I mean they’d be all around us and the thing would have to be so big it would probably kill a lot of innocent people with jobs and condo’s so that might be a problem. I think there’s a better way to handle this thing and all it would take is a few patriotic politicians with balls to pass a law banning bum’s from hanging out where regular people live and like shop. Tell them if the don’t have a full time gig (40 hours a week, not 32 or 38) then they need to leave the country right now! How cool would it be to never have to see or smell these kinds of…… things? I mean yeah, a lot of them even sorta look like real people and everything but if you take a good peek you know they’re basically one breed above a jack rabbit so they should just live in the woods cuz if they stay in cities then the herd would need to be culled month to month. Maybe the government could sell hunting tags like they do with deer and elk. It could raise a butt load of dough and would make those tea baggers so happy after they got their limits they might even say a nice word about Obama. Ok maybe not. Anyway, if this thing got passed I know some spots in my state where I can almost guarantee getting something to put on the hood of your car. That would be so cool to strap a big hobo on the front of my Focus and hit the local Sonic for a burger. Man would I get the chicks or what? You know it would be really nice if poor people would just start thinking about somebody other than themselves for once and stop bumming out everyone else out by being in our faces all the time. I mean I know they probably don’t have the money to move to Canada or Peru but maybe they could just go camping in the desert at least a few months a year so we don’t have to see them 24/7. We get it, there are people who don’t want a piece of the American dream. It’s sad but what are you going to do? You can’t make people be successful. Well, maybe you can for awhile cuz my neighbor Frank is a total screw up but his parents keep finding him new jobs and cars after he messes up the old ones. He’s sorta successful until he’s not so much. I hope this Andre Bauer dude goes on Fox News real soon and tries to take his ideas outside of South Carolina. I think he might be real popular in a lot of states even besides the gray ones. Especially with guys who got cut from their junior high basketball teams. So remember, it may be fun to feed the squirrels but understand they will bug the shit out of you for years until they figure out there’s no more food to scam. Then and only then will they leave your yard and go bug someone else. Let’s just make sure it’s someplace like Mexico. It’s a win-win there cuz it’s warm, great for sleeping out under the stars and we get a little payback on the uninvited guest thing here. So let’s give this Bauer dude's advice a try and see what happens. At the very least the malls won’t be so damn crowded on the weekends. Later |
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| 2010-01-18 | Rush Limbaugh's Tail |
I’ve been wondering for like a bunch of years why Rush Limbaugh was, well not a real nice guy and now I finally learned the answer. After I found out the reason it made it a lot easier to understand why he always seems to be having a bad day. I was at the library this week and used that Googly place on their computer, I think it was named “Sacrococcygeal Teratoma.” It sure would be easier for regular people if doctors just called it what it is, a dude with a tail. Some people have said it was like 10 inches or so long before they cut it off when he was a little kid. Man his parents were smart cuz it’s tough enough for boys in PE that haven’t had their thingy trimmed up, but a tail would be total hell for anybody, even one of the Jonas Brothers. I didn’t find anything saying what they did with it after they cut it off. Like did they donate it to a place where they could study it? Or a circus cuz it could have been transplanted on a bearded lady and she could make a ton of cash? I know I would pay 10 bucks to see someone walking around with a tail. Toss in a beard and we are talking maybe 30 bucks. I guess after they cut it off it still was sorta there which really came in handy later in like 1970 when he was about to get drafted. I’ve heard all sorts of angles guys used to get out of going to that Viet Nam country but Rush got totally screwed over with the tail deal. I guess the Army thought if he ever got caught by the other side they would take pictures of his ass and put them up all over the place to make fun of the USA. So just because the military big wigs didn’t want us to look like a country of freaks they just gave him one of those get out of war passes and told him to get lost. I know this must have really bummed him out cuz he seems like a guy who would dig kicking the ass of a small country. I bet he would have jumped at the chance to have been in the infantry too where he could have gotten a lot of exercise and blown up stuff. To take this away from a guy is not fair. Me personally, I think they should have just taken the chance that the enemy would never have gotten a decent photo of it as this was way before those digital cameras were invented and they would have had to like drive out of the jungle a long way to a drug store to get them developed. It was worth the risk I think. In the romance area I guess it must have been one hell of a cock block with the ladies too. I mean it’s tough enough being tubby and balding at 17 but having more than one of those appendage things ain’t a walk in the park either. Think about it. What do guys worry about more than just about anything in their lifetime? I’m talking more than being cut by their little league team or being audited by the IRS? It’s being sized up by women and he had to deal with both sides of him. Now that would mess up any guy so yeah, he's pretty pissed off most of the time. This must have been why he’s been married like 3 times and engaged to a bunch of other ladies. One more thing I found using that Googly place on the internets, there’s a lot of stuff about Rush being homosexual. Who would have guessed that one? Not me. I just don’t buy it. If it’s true then why did he waste all that wedding cake? No, I think if Rush Limbaugh was gay he would be more mean to them. Like most guys his age who don’t like that funny feeling in their packages when they see Tom Selleck on the tube. It freaks them out. Sure he’s said fags are disgusting and an embarrassment to this country but he hasn’t said they should be locked up forever. I guess he only thinks druggies are the ones who should be tossed away for good. He really hates drugs. Maybe if it was a gay drug user he would have them put to sleep but he really doesn’t say much about homo’s on his radio show so I’m thinking he might not be totally gay. Maybe a tri sexual or something. The thing a little while ago that made some people think he was the great grand kid of Satan was his advice to not send any cash to that Haiti place with all the black people. I never would have thought of it until Rush brought it up but I guess Obama said our country would help them cuz it would get him some cred on the street with the brothers. Pretty smart of him huh? Save a few lives there and maybe everyone at the barber shop will forget he’s half white. Rush is a pretty smart man. People need to remember just cuz he says a lot of things that are ugly and kinda cruel, he could be way, way worse. Just think how you’d be if you had a tail! Don’t know if that Hitler dude or those guys from that sandy part of the world on 9/11 had tails too but I’m betting there is a good chance. How else do you explain such flat out evil? People are mean for a reason. You know what I'm saying? So next time he says something that makes you want to puke and you think about calling Rush bad names, remember what you read here. It’s time everyone just showed him and that freaky thing on his ass some love. Later www.condron.us |
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| 2010-01-14 | My Ex-Girlfriend |
| So if I’m such a disgusting waste of human flesh why did she go out with me for almost 2 years? Even if I was like filler material between hotter boy friends that’s a pretty long time for someone just hanging around don’t cha think? Yeah, I guess I did sorta think things were ok. Not great but not so bad she had to write about it on her freaking Facebook thingy. I gotta say times were a lot more fun when she didn’t think it was cool to call me really, really bad names. Not that I’m a baby or anything but after hearing all these crappy things said about yourself even you start to believe some of it except for sure I don’t pick my nose at the dinner table as much as she said. Everything was actually great for about a year. Even she would admit it. I guess it started going downhill when I took her to Hooters for our 12 month anniversary. I had one of those two for one coupons a buddy game me ok? It was for any of the deep fried stuff on the bar menu. Their sorta food was horrible but the beer was decent so I just don’t get the attitude I got from her. I mean I still spent like 20 bucks or so. And did I say I still took her to Baskin & Robbins afterwards? So it’s not like I’m a cheapskate or something man. I’m pretty damn sure that was the day when things really went to hell. Yeah it didn’t help things about a month later when she found my collection of classic Penthouses from the early 80’s. You woulda thought I was some kind of pervert or something. Hey, I just happen to dig peeking at 100% real boobs, is that too freaky? Speaking of sex I guess I wasn’t as talented as some of her old boyfriends. I read something in her diary about how a lot of them made her feel so special and how I treated her like a Cub Scout den mother. Guess that’s not a good thing. Man I know I’m not like Sting or that lame guy on Grey's Anatomy but some of my old girlfriends seemed to be ok with me (at least for awhile). I can’t be that bad. Just in case last week though I did check out one of those Better Sex videos from the library. It couldn’t hurt you know? The way I look at it is I may not be world class in this area but I don’t need pills yet to handle my boyfriend duties and my herpes almost never shows up these days so I’m a keeper regardless of what she says. From what I hear a lot women want to be with a dude who listens to every word they say. Even if Sons of Anarchy is on the tube or your friends are going to shoot hoops at the Y you still needed to put her first or at least that’s what she wrote in the last break up letter she left at my apartment. Maybe she was right cuz when I think about it most of my old girlfriends kinda talked a lot about this listening deal so maybe I should work on it more with my next one. It’s just kinda tough when they bring up stuff about things I’m not into like movies without many special effects, shopping and her asshole co-workers. There’s only so many hours in the day and with On Demand waiting for me it’s tough to just sit there and listen to junk that’s not that interesting. Now if my cable ever gets shut off or something then I bet I would be a really good listener. Or if aliens from some other planet took over earth and put their own shows on tv (and they sucked)then it would be a heck of a lot easier to be a good boyfriend. I bet I would totally be the world’s best boyfriend if that ever happened. I’m thinking I should take some time off from women after this car wreck. Maybe chill for a few months and work on being a nicer guy. But what if I change and start dating someone new but the same thing happens again? You know, she kinda likes me at first but after a while she figures out she really hates me instead. It can mess up your head when it happens so many times. You’d think I could find someone who wouldn’t get sick of me after they learn pretty much everything I’m about. A couple buddies said I should just hide the bad stuff, especially the classic Penthouse stash but that would be tough for me cuz I have a big mouth. I just can’t keep a secret. Especially if it’s about me. Like there’s no way I could ever cheat. No freaking way cuz I would spill the beans as soon as my GF would smell me. It might be after a quick hi or can I have a beer but probably within 30 seconds or so. I guess you could say I would suck as a spy. When I am ready to get back out there and meet someone I think I’ll need to try to something different. No more scamming biker chicks at Taco Tuesdays (way too dangerous). No more Parents Without Partners dances (at least until I really have a kid). No more faking like I’m an alcoholic and going to AA meetings (most of them smoke). No when the time is right I’m going to be way smarter for sure. Some dude I met at the Laundromat was telling me about this lady called Ashley Madison who has this place on the internets. He said it was a sure thing and I’m a guy who could really use that right now. Hey, if I do get lucky there I’ll let you know. Gotta go. Later. www.condron.us |
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