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| 2008-12-31 | Good & Bad List Of 2008 |
2008 GOOD/BAD LIST BAD BUSH/CHENEY GOING AWAY – NOW WHO CAN I HATE AND BLAME EVERYTHING ON? IT’S TOUGH FINDING PEOPLE SO BAD THAT YOU FEEL SO GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF. WHAT I’M SAYING HERE IS THESE TWO STOOGES FUCKED UP SO BAD THAT OTHER FUCK UPS AROUND THE WORLD ENDED UP NOT BEING THE WORST FUCK UPS SO WE ALL KINDA OWE THEM. RIGHT NOW I REALLY NEED TO FIND SOMEBODY ELSE QUICK TO TAKE THEIR PLACE. TOM CRUISE – IT WAS BAD ENOUGH WAY BACK WHEN HE TRIED TO PLAY THAT VIETNAM VET WITH THE DROOPY MUSTACHE WHO HAD TO GET AROUND IN A WHEELCHAIR. HE WAS SOOOO BAD HE MADE ME PUKE BUT NOW HE THINKS JUST BY PUTTING ON SOME NAZI CLOTHES HE CAN PULL THIS ONE OFF IN HIS NEW MOVIE CALLED V SOMETHING. HE DOESN’T EVEN TRY TO DO SOME LAME GERMAN ACCENT, HE SOUNDS LIKE A DUDE TAKING YOUR ORDER AT AN In N Out. WHEN IS HE GONNA QUIT TRYING TO ACT AND JUST BE TOM CRUISE LIKE IN THAT JERRY SOMETHING OR COCTAIL MOVIE? HE DIDN’T TOTALLY SUCK IN THOSE. HE MIGHT THINK HE’S SOME HIGH FALUTIN LIZARD BUT IN MY BOOK HE’S JUST A PINT SIZE SHOW OFF WITH TINY SKILLS. MONEY – WHERE DID IT ALL GO? IT SEEMED RICH PEOPLE HAD PLENTY OF IT AND NOW IT’S LIKE GONE. NOT THAT I FEEL SORRY FOR THEM OR ANYTHING BUT IT KINDA MESSES WITH MY HEAD WHEN I SEE PEOPLE THAT LOOK LIKE THEY HAVE BREAD USING COUPONS LIKE ME AT SAFEWAY. I EVEN HEARD THAT LOADED GUYS ARE TAKING THE BUS THESE DAYS. I GUESS SOME OF THEM ARE SAYING THEY’RE DOING IT CUZ OF SOMETHING ABOUT MAKING A “SMALLER CARBON FOOTPRINT” WHATEVER THE HELL THAT MEANS. ALL I KNOW IS THEY'RE TAKING UP SPACE AND I’M HAVING A HARD TIME FINDING A SEAT! RICH PEOPLE NEED TO MAKE SOME MORE MONEY AND GET OUT OF MY FACE. MY SEATTLE SONICS – THEY ARE NOW THE OKIE DOKIES AND ARE LIKE 3-29 AT THIS SECOND SOON TO BE EVEN WORSE. DO I FEEL BETTER THAT THEY ARE THE WORST TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE NBA? YES, BUT I WON’T SLEEP WELL UNTIL CLAY BENNETT AND HIS POSSE BURN IN HELL TO A CRISP. IF THERE WAS EVER A BUNCH OF PRICKS WHO NEEDED TO LIVE THROUGH A REAL LIFE VERSION OF “IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE” WITH A WAY UGLIER ENDING IT’S THESE ASSHOLES. KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED. REPUBLICANS – REMEMBER THEM? THEY USED TO BE EVERYWHERE AND NOW IT’S LIKE SOMEONE SPRAYED A BIG CAN OF RAID AND THEY WENT BYE-BYE. I GUESS THERE’S STILL A FEW OF THEM IN LIKE A COUPLE STATES NEAR THAT “DIXIE” AREA BUT THEY ARE WIPED OUT IN THE REST OF THE USA. IF YOU START TO MISS THEM YOU CAN ALWAYS TUNE INTO LIMBAUGH OR HANNITY. THEY LIVE IN THIS PRETEND WORLD WHERE WHITE MEN STILL RULE AND EVERYONE ELSE NEEDS TO GET OUT OF THEIR WAY. IT’S A NICE PLACE (FOR THEM) BUT I DON’T THINK THEY WILL EVER LEARN THAT IT ONLY EXISTS IN THEIR MINDS. MAYBE THEY WILL WHEN THEY ARE DOING THEIR TALK SHOWS ON HAM RADIO REAL SOON. VAMPIRES – THESE THINGS ARE EVERYWHERE AND YOU KNOW THEY SUCK WHEN EVERY KID AT MALLS IN THIS COUNTRY IS BUYING SOMETHING ABOUT EM. IT WOULD BE ONE THING IF VAMPIRES WERE MAKING SOME BREAD OFF THIS SCAM BUT NO, IT’S SOME 40 ISH LADY NAMED STEPHANIE SOMETHING WHO SEEMS TO BE MAKING MOST OF THE MONEY AND IT AIN’T RIGHT. DOES ANYONE THINK SHE’S CUTTING IN ANYBODY ON THIS? VAMPIRES MAY BE DEAD AND STUFF BUT THEY GOTTA PAY THE RENT TOO. I SAY THEY SHOULD SUE HER FOR AT LEAST 10 %. THIS DIGITAL TV THING – LIKE NOW I CAN’T USE MY RABBIT EARS ON MY BEDROOM TV? OK I HAVE CABLE IN MY LIVING ROOM (I SHOULD ADMIT I SPLICED INTO MY NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS LINE) AND THAT I LIVE IN A ONE ROOM APARTMENT SO I GUESS I COULD STILL SEE THE TV WITH CABLE FROM MY BED BUT IT’S NOT THE SAME AS HAVING A TV RIGHT NEXT TO WHERE I CRASH. EVEN THOUGH WITH THE FREAKING RABBIT EARS I CAN ONLY GET 2 STATIONS IT HELPS ME GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT. NOW IN FEBRUARY I WILL HAVE TO GO TO SLEEP TO WHITE NOISE AND I DON’T THINK I’M GONNA LIKE IT. THIS IS BAD. GOOD BARACH OBAMA – DID ANYONE EVER THINK WE WOULD HAVE A PRESIDENT WITH SIX PACK ABS? ONLY IN THE MOVIES WOULD THIS HAPPEN. AND HOW ABOUT ONE WHO IS COOLER THAN ANY ROCK STAR OUT THERE? DID I MENTION HE WASN’T WHITE? OK ALL WHITE? HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN? AM I DREAMING? IT’S LIKE SOMEONE IS GONNA SCREAM “PSYCHE!” REAL SOON AND JOHN McCAIN WILL BE BACK TALKING ABOUT JOE THE CARPENTER 24/7 AGAIN. IF THIS REALLY DID HAPPEN THEN I GUESS ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IN THIS COUNTRY. EVEN A BLACK DUDE WINNING IN VIRGINIA AND FLORIDA. TINA FEY – OK, I SHOULD SAY UP FRONT THAT I’VE HAD LIKE MULTIPLE WET DREAMS SHE HAS STARRED IN FOR YEARS. I DIDN’T JUST PICK UP THE LUST THING AFTER SHE PRETENDED TO BE SARAH PALIN BUT IT DID TAKE IT TO ANOTHER LEVEL. I MEAN I DO FIND THE REAL SARAH PALIN TO BE KINDA HOT BUT SINCE SHE WOULD PROBABLY SAY SOMETHING THAT WOULD MAKE ME LOSE THE MOOD REAL QUICK I WOULD HAVE TO ERASE HER FROM MY MENTAL HARD DRIVE. I FOUND THAT HAVING TINA PLAY HER WAS ONE OF THOSE WIN-WIN DEALS. I GOT TO LOOK AT A HOT CHICK WHO WAS ALSO REALLY SMART (EVEN THOUGH THAT USUALLY SCARES ME) SO IT WAS ALL GOOD. THE CELTICS BEAT KOBE – A REAL TEAM BEAT A SUPERSTAR AND HIS SUPPORTING CAST. IT DOSEN’T GET MUCH BETTER FOR HOOP FANS. HEY IT’S NOT LIKE KOBE DOESN’T ALREADY HAVE A FEW RINGS ANYWAY FOR THOSE WHO DIG THIS EGO MANIAC. IS HE THE BEST PLAYER IN THE LEAGUE? FOR TWO MORE YEARS AND THEN LJ WILL SQUISH HIM LIKE A LADY BUG. VAMPIRES – YEAH THEY’RE LAME BUT THE CHICKS DIG THEM SO THEY CAN’T BE ALL BAD. OR AT LEAST I GOTTA PRETEND THEY AREN’T ALL THAT BAD. I SHOULD ADMIT WITHOUT VAMPIRES AND ALL THEIR NAKED WOMEN ON THAT TRUE BLOOD SHOW IT I WOULDN’T BE WATCHING HBO NEARLY AS MUCH. DON’T EXACTLY KNOW WHY ALL THESE HOT WOMEN FALL FOR VAMPIRES AND DON’T REALLY CARE AS LONG AS THEY KEEP TAKING THEIR TOPS OFF. I MEAN IT BEATS LOOKING AT BILL MAHER’S FACE ALL THE TIME. KEITH OLBERMANN – I DIDN’T THINK SOME ESPN DUDE COULD PULL OFF BEING A MSNBC DUDE TOO BUT HE DID. HE IS SO GOOD THAT HE MAY EVEN TRY DOING THE WEATHER! I KNOW EVERY DAY THAT I WATCH HIS SHOW I FEEL A LOT BETTER WHEN HIS WORST PERSON OF THE WORLD THING IS OVER AND I’M NOT ONE OF THEM. HOW BAD WOULD THAT BE? DO YOU THINK BILL O’REILLY CAN EVEN SHOW HIS FACE AT THANKSGIVING OR CHRISTMAS WITH THE FAMILY? HE MUST JUST STAY IN SOME PRIVATE BUNKER AND WAIT OUT THE HOLIDAYS. KEITH IS ONE GUY YOU DON’T WANT TO MESS WITH AND THAT’S WHY I NEVER MISS HIM UNLESS I’M BUSY DOING SOMETHING ELSE. RECORD COMPANIES NOT SUING ME – SO NOW I CAN STOP WORRYING ABOUT SOME SUIT AT A RECORD COMPANY MAKE TO ME PAY THEM 300 THOUSAND BUCKS JUST CUZ I BORROWED A FEW OF THEIR STUPID SONGS. YEAH MAYBE I LET A COUPLE BUDDIES BORROW A FEW TUNES FROM ME AND OK MAYBE THEY LET THEIR BROTHER OR SISTER BORROW A SONG OR THREE AND THEY LOANED THEIR FRIENDS MAYBE ONE MP3 BUT I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY WENT FROM THERE SO SUE ME. OK, DON’T SUE ME CUZ I DON’T HAVE ANY BREAD ANYWAY. GAS – IF I OWNED A CAR THEN I WOULD BE PRETTY HAPPY RIGHT NOW. NOT ABOUT THE CAR CUZ IT WOULD PROBABLY BE A PIECE OF CRAP BUT AT LEAST I WOULDN’T HAVE TO SELL MY BLOOD TO BUY A QUARTER TANK OF GAS ANYMORE. FOR A WHILE IT WAS MORE EXPENSIVE THAN WEED (OR AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TOLD) SO NOW THAT PEOPLE WILL HAVE MORE MONEY IN THEIR POCKETS THEY CAN MAYBE BUY FOOD. I GUESS IT’S BAD FOR THOSE PEOPLE IN THAT SANDY PART OF THE WORLD WHO SELL OIL SO IT’S NOT ALL GOOD FOR EVERYONE. IT SEEMS LIKE IT’S ALWAYS THAT WAY WITH THIS “FREE MARKET” THING, SOMEONE WINS AND SOMEONE LOSES BUT IF THE WORLD DOSEN'T EXPLODE AND EVERYONE LOSE THEIR JOBS THEN 2009 HAS GOT TO BE A BETTER YEAR THAN 2008. THAT’S MY CALL AND I’M STICKING TO IT. LATER |
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| 2008-12-16 | Holiday Blues |
Am I the only human that’s not into this time of year? I don’t want to sound like a hater but Columbus Day is a lot less hassle. I think this year is the one where I pull a JD Salamander, that writer who I heard won’t show his mug in public no matter what. I mean he could be dead right now and nobody would know for sure. That’s pretty cool don’t you think? I know it wasn’t Christmas that made him go underground but it sure must come in handy in December. How cool would it be to just like drop out of sight from everyone? Especially the people that really get on your nerves? No more weak Christmas parties. No more relatives bugging you about having to go to weddings and funerals. No more friends coming over to borrow stuff they’re too cheap to buy. No more junk mail cuz no one would have your real name and address. Not even that High School re-union company that keeps chasing me. Since I got my GED do I even qualify for a re-union? I don’t think so but even if I did I would rather drink bleach than have to sit through one and kinda smile while listening to tunes that best belong buried with rest of my high school memories. The more I think about it JD was a genius. Not his books and stories that I guess were supposed to be awesome, it’s his balls that you gotta love. The guy has a book that still moves like 250,000 copies a year and he finished it in 1951. He’s kinda like the dudes who wrote that Bible book that still sells a butt load each year too except he did it by himself and he was alive when it got popular. I’m trying to think of anyone else I know who ever dropped out of sight while being good at something? The only other person I can think of is Ken Kossman who was a buddy of my dad’s. He wasn’t a writer or anything, I think he was a pipe fitter. Don’t know what he’s doing today cuz he doesn’t want anyone to know where he’s living. I think I saw Mr. Kossman one day on the bus last month but wasn’t sure cuz this guy had a black n white beard like a skunk so I could be wrong but I’m pretty sure it was him. About 25 years ago he invented a battery powered back scratcher. He sorta did inventions on the side from his regular union job. Most of them like a toe sucking gadget and an electric lunch box bombed big time but he hit pay dirt with the back scratcher. If you think he cashed in on it you got it wrong as that Ron Popeil guy on late night tv stole his idea. I heard Popeil made a couple million on it and never even said thanks. I don’t think he ever got over it. Popeil’s people did send him a case of the back scratchers but Mr. Kossman just gave em to my dad. My parents used to give them away as Christmas presents until they ran out a couple years ago. I don’t know for sure if JD is a pissed off guy too cuz at least he got paid but I bet the both of them would dig hanging out and swapping stories about hiding and stuff. It’s something they know a lot about and I’m thinking it must be tough meeting someone else on the same page. When somebody with a real name and address comes up to them I bet they must think what a little weasel sell out. Like here they’re keeping it not so real and everyone else is totally living in the straight world and being total squares! I read that JD swore he would never ever again write anything else that people other than him could see. That’s kind of selfish but how much fun would it be to drive around the country in a Saturn and have to hit like 30 or 40 Borders Book stores? I betcha Mr. Kossman would rather be a nobody too than have to be a whore on late night tv peddling crap. Since even if you live a secret life you still gotta pay the bills so there’s nothing stopping either of them from putting out something under another fake name. There’s a chance that one of those Bourne or Twilight books was really written by JD, or maybe that battery powered nose cleaner as seen on tv wasn’t Popeils, it’s possible that Mr. Kossman was behind it. You never know. I wish I could come up with a cool fake name and drop out. The thing is I haven’t done anything important yet and that’s the only cool way to do it. I mean a ton of losers who can’t pay their bills or child support go on the run but it’s just not the same. It ain’t easy to pull off the right way but if it was everyone in your neighborhood would be doing it. How lame would it be if say my retired sixth grade teacher Mrs. Lincoln switched rest homes in the middle of the night and changed her name to like Britney or Mindy? That would be sick so if this catches on maybe those “end of days” are here and it might just be a good thing. I think another really important angle to this hiding thing is people have to care enough to actually look for you. Since no one ever calls me or comes over much except my family (and I’m in the phone book!) it’s probably not worth it. Maybe someday. Anyway, I’m just hoping that this holiday crap goes fast as possible and it’s over without blood being spilled again in my family. If I’m watching Ryan Seacrest rock in the new year from a jail cell with 20 smelly dudes in orange jump suits around me then I guess it’s the same as it ever was. Look in the Police blotter section of the paper for the next couple weeks. If I end up doing more than 30 days I’m hoping some of you out there wouldn’t mind being my pen pal. It helps kill the time. Just send it under my real name. Thanks and Take it easy. Later |
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| 2008-12-10 | I Wanna Bailout Too! |
I really, really, really need one of those “bailouts” now. Don’t know exactly what they are but this seems to be the time to ask for one. Since I’m no expert on that economics thing I don’t know for sure but it seems like until right about now you could never get one of these deals. Maybe they were always there but only for those that knew some secret handshake from only dudes who went to that special college called Yale (?). I guess all the mini wanna be movers and shakers go there cuz they can and I saw on some tv show that you have to graduate from there to have juice in America. Pretty much every white politician who’s ever got to sniff the White House has graduated from that joint. I guess Obama got his BS from some place called Columbus and got his lawyer license from that Harvard school. I think he was the editor of the school newspaper there. Since I saw that show about powerful people I really regret getting kicked out of regular school in the 11th grade. It really wasn’t my fault. If I hadn’t said I would help TP the vice principal’s girl friend’s house I probably would have almost graduated. I knew it was a bad call when he caught us and came out yelling stuff I never thought a vice principal would say. His girl friend was even more pissed and screamed a bunch of cuss words that sorta ran together with others cuss words to make up some bad words I had never heard before. Some neighbor called 911 and when the cop came I knew I wasn’t going to see my senior year at that school. You see TP ing a house is no big deal but when your Morman vice principal with 9 kids gets caught in his underwear with the school nurse that’s not his Morman wife by a cop who used to belong to his church (before I guess he dumped his wife for some mail order bride from Canada and the vice principal dude had him ex commu something out of the whole damn religion) then someones gotta feel the pain. All three of us who were in on it went down hard. I do feel kinda good that I was the only one of us to later make it through Bates Voc School and get my GED too. I heard one of them, Wayne is now a school crossing guard which is sorta funny and the other, Gino is a drummer in a Kansas tribute band. Don’t know if he has a day job too. Anyway, back to why I need one of those bailouts. I’m broke. Like tapped out. Even the secret savings of quarters, dimes & nickels I keep in my sock drawer is history. The problem is I don’t know exactly how you’re supposed to like apply for one of these things. Does everyone who wants one have to go to DC and get grilled by congress dudes? That would totally be a downer. Who needs another asshole giving me shit about needing some fast cash? I mean I’m not gonna beg like those car guys. I don’t care if they offer me 15 billion I’m not gonna be anyone’s bitch. The thing that I have going for me is they give people that actually make stuff a lot harder time (and since I haven’t made anything that is useable in years I’m looking pretty good). When those dickhead “investment bankers” (what do they do exactly?) had their hand out they got one of those super mondo bailouts. It was so big they still don’t know how much they got. Since I read they were given the money so they could lend it to people who had none and decided it was better to just keep it I’m thinking they’re not real nice people. I know if I got any money I would spend it right away and help out our economy cuz I’m a good American (and one who needs a ton of stuff right now too). I know a lot of people are saying when do these bailouts end? Does any company or doofus who lost their ass get one? I say no and after I get mine I think they should really think about that “Just Say No” thing that was popular a while back. I mean they can’t give dough away to anybody that comes asking for it can they? I’m thinking after I get my bailout I might become one of those republicans. They seem to know a whole lot about hanging on to their money and stopping others from getting theirs. I may need to just suck it up and hang out with one or two of them at first to learn the ropes. I’m also thinking of asking for a lot cuz they always give you less. Maybe 10,000 would be a good start and if they give me 500 bucks it’s all good. I know the first thing I’m buying with my bailout is a new set of numb chucks. Some kid on the bus stole my last pair when I wasn’t looking. I may not know how to use them but they look really bitchin and people always stare at me with respect when I have them with me. The other thing I’m doing right away is paying off my library fines. I owe a ton of money and I want to check out magazines again so that’s near the top of my wish list. I also should give a little to like a charity so I’m setting aside a twenty for Jerry’s Kids on Labor Day. So whenever my bailout comes in the mail I will let you know. I’m sorry that you probably won’t get one but at least you’ll hear about all the cool stuff I got with mine right here. Later. |
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| 2008-12-01 | The Obama Recession? |
| I was at the barber shop yesterday and this old guy who’s really into that Rush Limbaugh dude was there. He walks around with these really big head phones hooks up to one of those walkmans listening to him every day. I don’t get it but he fought in like the Korean war or something so all of us at the barber shop are nice to him. I don’t remember who started talking about Obama but once he heard his name he sorta went off about him screwing up this country. He said something about the “Obama Recession” which I sure as hell didn’t get. I guess that hillbilly heroin addict is telling his radio peeps the reason no one has any dough right now is cuz of Obama. That he caused that stock market place to go up in smoke. I don’t know exactly what a “401J” is either but I guess Obama’s the reason people don’t have much of that left too. It just didn’t make much sense to me. I mean he just got elected and I don’t think he’s actually the head cheese until like March or something so how can he be a fuck up so soon? The old guy says Rush said all the rich important people think Obama’s going to rape their cash so they’ve started stashing it in some tiny Island called Klaymand where they don’t like to write stuff down and keep records. He thinks they’ll park it there until either something bad happens to our new president or he gets impeached for being black. I don’t know much about the “economy” cuz I flunked every math class I ever had to sit through but I’m not alone cuz I don’t think many other people can figure it out either. I mean Bush is leaving office with like a 700 gazillion bounced check. He had 8 years to learn how to balance the countries bank account but he couldn’t do it. I heard on that Fastball tv show it had something to do with his tax cuts for the fat cats and I read that they’re about the only ones in this country who don’t hate his guts right now. Getting back to the old guy at the barbershop, he said the first thing our new prez is going to do is put his face on a 35 dollar bill and maybe even put LeBron James’s face on a 60 dollar bill. I asked him where he’d heard that and he said some guy who was filling in for Rush last week. I guess Rush was on vacation to that Klaymand Island. The old guy also said he heard the Obama’s are gonna re paint the White House purple cuz they want Prince (the music guy not some royal dude) to feel comfortable there when he sleeps over. I sorta like purple but not as much as Orange but I think whoever lives there should get to choose what color to paint it. That sounds fair don’t cha think? After I left the barber shop I got to thinking and it seemed to me that life is tough enough without being blamed for stuff you had nothing to do with. I mean it’s kind of scary cuz say a lady I’m dating starts to blame me for sleeping with some other lady before I actually do, how fair is that? If I’m going to go down on that rap then I want the good stuff that goes along with the deal before all hell breaks out. I mean I’ve been shot at, slugged in the face with a baseball bat and stabbed a couple times, hell I’ve even got my ass kicked by a guy too but the thing is every time I deserved it. I did the crime and I got what was coming to me. That’s how life is supposed to be. Now that Obama can see that about 46% of this country is going to tag him with anything and everything he should just flip them off, tell them to take all their flag lapel thingy’s and move to Alaska or something. I know, I know he’s always saying we need to change the way politicians act, like in 2000 when Bush's people went to a Kinko's in South Carolina and printed up a bunch of flyers saying “don’t vote for McCain cuz he had a black baby with some hooker.” It may be wrong but it worked in that state so sometimes you just have to be ready to fight back! I’m thinking of sending him a note with a bunch of snappy comebacks he could use on national tv at one of his press conferences cuz he’s just too damn nice and nice people get beat up by not so nice people. He could drop one of them on that dweeb Carl Cameron from FOX NEWS. When he asks some smart ass question Obama should say Carl, before I like answer your freaking stupid question I just want to ask you is it true that Sean Hannity wears an adult diaper on his show? That would totally throw him off and mess up the haters cuz they’re so used to getting in the first punch. I remember my dad always told me a quick kick in the nuts before they know what’s happening is a winner every time. If Obama reads what I’m gonna send him and doesn’t feel it would be cool for a president to talk smack then he should just give the lines to his wife cuz she doesn’t play. That is one woman who I would never, ever mess with. I’m just waiting until she’s had enough of Limbaugh’s posse and she starts to throw down on them. It won’t be some wimpy line about a “right wing conspiracy” (what the hell does that mean?) no when the time is right she’ll go mixed martial arts on their butts and it won’t be pretty. Mrs. Obama seems like someone who’ll not just stand by her man but also jump in front and crush anyone who even thinks they can punk him. I sure would like to have someone like her watching my back. I wonder if you have to marry someone before they’re willing to step up liker her? Man, it might even be worth it someday. Anyway, today when I saw that old guy from the barber shop I asked him if he knew Limbaugh is behind Safeway not carrying low fat chunky peanut butter anymore (he loves the stuff), those sneaky pirates jacking boats in the ocean near some sandy African country and Mad TV being cancelled. He said he had no idea and got really pissed off. He took off his headphones for the first time I’ve ever seen and said he was through with him. I know I should feel kinda bad telling an old dude some big fat lies but we gotta do what we gotta do to fight back. I finally figured out if you throw out enough lies something will stick. It’s worked for Limbaugh so count me in cuz it’s the American way these days. Kinda sad huh? Later. |
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| 2008-11-24 | The Twilight Movie |
| Don’t laugh ok? I know how much shit I’m going to take after telling everyone what I did. I mean this one is worse than when I bought a Bon Jovi CD about ten years ago. I might as well just say it, I went to that vampire movie Twilight! Now I do have sort of an excuse if anyone will give me a chance to tell my side of it. I’m pretty sure most of you have already stopped reading this by now so what the hell do I have to lose by coming clean? I know I’m gonna feel better afterwards cuz it was killing me pretending it didn’t happen. Ok it went down like this, there’s this lady who lives on my floor at the apartment building who has a daughter about 14. The mom’s a dancer at a club in town and is really busy so she asked me for a favor. You guessed it, her kid April really, really, really wanted to see this Twilight movie and she needed me to take her and a couple of her friends. It was her birthday I think. Anyway, mom gave me a hundred dollar bill (she had a regular customer drop by the night before) and told me to buy them tickets and all the junk they (and me too) could cram down our mouths. So off we went on the bus, straight to hell (the mall) and got in line to buy tickets for the thing. Who knew it was so popular? There must have been like three million teenage girls in line whining about maybe not getting in for the next showing. I felt kinda bad hoping it was gonna be sold out so I could put them into some kid flick and I could find something with a little skin in it. Hey, it wouldn’t have been that tough cuz this place had like 42 screens but no such luck, some little punk who worked there gets on a loudspeaker and says they had about 5 seats left for the 1:30 in the morning showing so April made me buy them. Yeah we had to kill about 3 hours so I watched them play video games and a little truth or dare until they finally let us into the theater. Do you feel my pain yet? So the movie starts and right way something doesn’t seem right. This ain’t my kinda vampire movie cuz just about everyone looks like they could be in one of those Fruit of the Loom underwear ads on the billboards. We are talking people that are scary good looking and that’s what creeped me out. I don’t know about you but when I was a kid vampires in the movies gave me the willies but these teenage girls sure didn’t seem freaked. I mean they looked like they were seeing the Beatles for the first time as they grabbed each other. When the star vampire Eddy shows up at school (with a bucket of gel in his way too perfect hair) and meets the star chick Bella it started to remind me of one of those After School Specials without actors who look like models. It was pretty clear she liked him right away cuz he was way better looking than all the other boys in her class. It really wasn’t fair for those guys, it was like the Yankees playing some single A team. Speaking of baseball, what was up with these bloodsuckers playing my most favorite sport? I guess the lady who wrote the book thought she’d throw that in for the tom boy girls but it was so wrong. I mean do you find many ghost stories with them playing hockey or football? The answer is no. But since this Stephanie lady who wrote it has sold a butt load of books what do I know? It was about half way through the movie when I thought everybody in the theater would start booing as there was like no fangs ripping into necks. We’re talking no chomping. Nothing! I’ve seen more blood at Dollar Store after Christmas sales. What they showed instead was a whole lot of Bella looking at Eddy and Eddy Looking at Bella. I guess they really started to like each other but for some reason they were mostly into staring which if I was their parents I guess wouldn’t be so bad but I wasn’t so it was really boring. Then I remembered I still had to take April and her friends back home after the thing so staring was probably best for me too. I mean what was I gonna say if one of them asked me a question their Mom’s should be answering? Like about love n stuff. Now that would be panic city. So at the end there was a little tiny bit of gore but it was too little and way, way, way too late. We got out of the theater around 4:00 am and there was like 3 other people on the bus ride home. When I tried to give April’s mom the 6 bucks in change I still had left she told me to keep it. I told her I’d drop by her club in the next couple days (I’ve never seen her naked) and bring as many one’s I could scrounge up. She seemed to be ok with that. Maybe I’ll ask her to go with me to see a movie sometime but it sure as hell won’t be some piece of crap like this Twlight movie! Like is it too hard to make a scary movie that looks even sorta real? You know what I mean? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about a damn snuff film or anything but something that stays with you. A flick that makes it hard to get to sleep afterwards. If anyone out there knows of one let me know. Thanks. Gotta go. Later. |
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Copyright 2006 Spud Goodman Productions