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| 2011-09-18 | Are Republicans Dumb Or Just Stupid? |
| I know I’ve called Republicans all sorts of names before, even retarded which was a real cheap shot that I’m still feel bad about. I mean I’ve never met a retarded person who was anything like a republican. Have you ever hung out with them? These guys dig other people no matter who they are, what they look like or what they think about capital gains taxes. Now the elephant people are a totally different breed. 100% stone cold killers. Maybe not those embryo thingy’s but anything older than say 8 or 9. Who besides these assholes would give a standing O after hearing in a debate one of their boys has executed 234 dudes in his state? Wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t heard it myself. Or cheers after another of one of their boys from that lonely star state says we should let sick people figure it out themselves. Like croak if they can’t afford some penicillin or a band aid. There is hard and there is not nice people. You make the call. Now being mean has nothing to do with not having much in the brains area. That’s even more scary cuz if you are allowed in their club you have to leave the gray stuff (if you got it) at the door. Believe in dinosaurs, a round earth, Algebra, 4G, condoms and anything that happened over 6 thousand years ago then you are on the outs from the get go. Seriously, you and I both know some of the people running for President on their team have to pretend to be dumb as at least a couple of them could easily pass a GED test. A lot of them even have fancy college degrees, ok maybe not that Godfathers Pizza dude but most of the rest of them do really know that none of those founding father guys ever even thought about a voucher system instead of Medicare. Or giving those gangster wannabe’s from that Wall Street place social security dough. Why don’t they at least wink when they say the shit they do in front of the camera? At least Sarah Palin got that down so she won’t burn in hell for telling really, really tall tales. I was thinking it must way harder to have to pretend to be stupid than pretend to be smart. Republicans running for office have to work way harder than Democrats . The donkey people have their own problems though, like they just don’t seem to understand the other side will never like them. Never. Not gonna happen. Why do they want to be liked so much? See that’s why they get their asses kicked all day and night. If they just bought into that Mexican Drug Cartel mind set like the GOP has going 24/7 they would maybe have a chance when they fight over stuff like raising the debt limit or ditching those Bush tax cuts for people that never needed them in the first place. Ok maybe they never would actually win any of these tug of wars they still would show they could handle a punch or two before they took a dive and went to the canvas like a little bitch. Baby steps man. As good as I felt in November 2008 I’m feeling just as bad right now thinking of a President Perry, Romney or Bachman. I mean we were this close (my fingers are like an inch apart) to legal pot and other stuff that people said was never gonna happen during 8 years of Bush and now we could be headed back to the caveman days. No not the time when you could roam around and just start fires and club sorta humans over the head, I’m talking about those Richie Cunningham days where vanilla was too spicy and white people were thought to be cool. That would be really sad don’t you think? I don’t wanna dig through my dead dad’s foot locker in the mini storage and fish out his bow ties. I’m just not into the way back machine and hopefully never will be. Yeah I’ll be screwed whenever they stick me in a nursing home and all the others pound my face in cuz I hate classic rock, hate Elvis movies (except Clambake) and hate jello salad. I might as well eat the gun right now before I go down that road. Anyway, things are looking really bleak right now. Obama may be a damn butt kissing pussy but he’s our pussy and we better understand what’s heading our way real soon if he’s given the heave ho. Like in not that many months from now. So what you say? Ok, are you ready for all those smarty pants scientists being rounded up and put in Sandals (all inclusive ) Resorts? How about all gay men being forced to fantasize about the blondes on FOX NEWS? Or maybe poor people being ordered to be rich? Just saying a hard rain might be coming and we best do what we can to prepare. Bye for now. |
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| 2011-08-30 | No More Dick Commercials! |
| Enough is enough and I know that most of the world has my back on this one. I mean there are some things in life that sorta bug you, there are things that really bug you and there are maybe one or two things that make you just go animal. Not just lift your leg on it but actually want to tear it apart with your teeth cuz it deserves that or worse. Yeah, I’m talking about those freaking commercials for Viagra, Cialis and Levitra. There may be some dude somewhere that can handle seeing one more of those evil things but he would be one sick fucking waste of human flesh if you ask me. Now I should toss out that I’m pretty easy with every day annoying stuff. Like I don’t totally flip out when I still hear auto tune songs, see Dr. Phil’s fat ass on the tube or smell those white hockey puck thingy’s in restaurant urinals when I pee. You know if we let everything that was messed up get to us then people would be going Travis Bickle 24/7 and nobody would live happily ever after. In this deal though I say it calls for extreme action before our minds are melted like an apple dropped into a gallon of acid. You say what the hell can I do to stop these evil commercials? I am just made of flesh and have no connection to a higher power. Maybe so but together we can do a lot to fight back. To make the satanic ad agency lackeys who dump these 30 seconds of garbage on innocent humans regret the day they were born. That is my mission and you should join the team too, if not now then one day soon when you will finally say you’ve had enough also. It’s coming. No doubt about it. Some of you may be saying right about now these things are just stupid little ads on the tv and who cares if they have the power to wreck a persons day, year or life. As long as there are no Muslims, union members or George Soros involved then it’s all good but you see it’s not. All good that is. I am not totally against allowing the companies that push these little pills to make enough money to survive. God knows the last thing we need are businesses laying off more people these days. If it would help the economy then hell I would say let them put on a few commercials but not when you and your grandma or little cousin are watching Pardon The Interuption or Rome Is Burning on ESPN in the middle of the day. Let them put those things on after 3 in the morning when guys with issues those stupid pills could maybe help are crashed on the living room couch staring at the tube trying to forget that their wife or girl friend are alone in the bedroom wishing that they maybe didn’t sign up for eHarmony.com after all. I really have nothing against capitalism it’s just that there’s a time and place you know? Like those Boston Medical Group radio ads that are on stations mostly during drive time slots. For some reason they don’t bug me, either cuz the radio airwaves won’t allow them to use shots of bathtubs or guys washing cars to show what being horny really looks like or they just maybe a little sexy. I mean that girl says they can cure you in one visit! Whether they can or not it does sound kinda exciting. What do they do? Do you get to pick out your therapist from a line of Doctors when you go inside the office? Do they have one not so good looking one just to make it seem legit? Do you have to bring a butt load of dollar bills with you? So many questions. So what I’m willing to do here is make a deal with the dick pill companies. We don’t storm their places of business like after we won and or lost an NBA/NHL Championship and they promise to try to do things another way. Maybe stop making 90% of men in the world thinking they might have a problem when only around 15 or 20 % actually do need their crap sometimes. I’m not an expert on this subject but if as many dudes had a problem in this area as they say then society, as we know it would pretty much stop working. Guys would sure not be watching Hannity or O’Reilly on cable here in the USA after they figured out they were at the mercy of a little pill. It would be way worse than Mad Max times out there. My advice to the Madison Avenue suits who decide what garbage to push on us, maybe think twice about messing with the one area that men plan their day around. Get in their heads about having bad breath or possibly athlete’s foot but never, ever mess with the penis. Not a smart call at all. Later. |
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| 2011-08-09 | Obama's Stolen Base |
| Have you ever been on a team where everyone made fun of your coach? People saying he was a total wuss. A wimp. A softy who would get rolled by a camp fire girl? Well, that’s the deal with us sorta Democrats and our Prez right now. It’s really embarrassing and I’m even thinking of changing teams. No, not to the dark side with those bad ass Republicans. I’m not fucking crazy or anything. And no not that colored party either, I think they’re green or purple. Nope, I wanna be on a winning team that at least gets in one punch before being bitch slapped to death. I haven’t found one yet but there must be some group that can stand up to these right wing thugs and say if I hear one more word about tax cuts for corporations or doing away with the couple of rules left for fat cats to avoid then we are gonna send Courtney Love over to their place for a sit down. If that doesn’t scare the shit out of them then we threaten to send Sean Young with her. That should more than take care of it. All the cable news channels are saying Obama’s base is now history. It took me a few weeks to figure out what that meant. At first I thought they were saying he was robbed by some junkie. Now I get that it really means all the people who thought he was gonna be a different sort of president, one that wasn’t a total whore are sad/mad these days. Me? I don’t think he’s sold out 100%, maybe just 89%. It could be worse you know. I mean our last head cheese was so bought and paid for I heard he still to this day has one of those bar codes on the base of his skull that the checkers at Safeway use to tell how much something is worth. I don’t personally know how much W actually cost but his people for sure got more than their money’s worth out of him. From the dudes who make war toys to the oil guys to the drug companies he was their freaking Santa with a bottom less bag of goodies. What’s not to love? So say what you want about Bush Jr., he delivered big time. Then there is Barack Obama, someone who could not stay in a penny, nickel, and quarter poker game holding 3 aces. I swear he’d totally fold if he couldn’t draw another ace. Nice man (I still really, really like him but it feels so wrong) and bad at any game other than hoops. Thank god he wasn’t president when we crushed Hitler and that Japanese Emperor guy cuz he might have given them a do over. What I’m saying here is the man does not understand Republicans and or tea people will never buy into anything other than total victory. Right now they may not be doing a touchdown dance after that debt limit thingy but only cuz everyone knows elephant people can’t move around the floor worth shit. It’s the genes man. Something passed on from way back. The bottom line is they are the Yankees and we are the Seattle Mariners. If there was a scoreboard for who won the fights about stuff since around 1980 it would read: Greedy Bastards 254 – Little Pussies 12. I say it all stops here. We just say enough is enough and start punching back (even a few shots to the nuts). Right now we got 2 of the 3 places with power so we throw our weight around a little. Stop worrying about those damn “independents’ and getting re elected. Maybe just do what’s right for this country and whatever happens so be it. If the Lipton crowd doesn’t like it then let them try that seceding route the governor of Texas was spouting off about a while ago. So we lose a few hick states way down south, BFD! Ok, maybe Oklahoma and Utah too, ummmm like that would be a bad thing? You know that Cali & NY aren’t going anywhere. Florida with all the old people who still remember how that first try at splitting up the country went won’t buy into it either. Washington and Oregon have way too many granola people. That state Boston is in learned it’s lesson with the Mittster and won’t go down that road again. Michigan may be full of people without jobs but they still can watch Ed Schultz on TV at the bar the first of the month so they know what’s up these days. There are probably a few more states willing to flip off the GOP so I think it will be enough to fill up a new flag. Maybe 9 or 10 stars or x’s so it won’t look too lame. The other side might have a hell of lot more on their flag but just remember most of those states have more pit bulls than people so who cares? The money people behind these teanicks think they’ve now made Obama’s fan club so mad at him that they will either sit home or vote for Ralph Nader again in Nov 2012. Yeah, right! It’s like when I’m pissed off at just about everyone in my family (especially my cousin Greg who still owes me 75 bucks from the 10th grade) when it comes down to it they are still family you know. We may call our president spineless and softer than Salma Hayek’s breasts (yes, they are real) but he’s still our guy. They will never understand that so they can continue to spend billions beating him up and screwing with that Dow thingy cuz it just won’t work. He’s our screw up and we will still dig him no matter what. When he gets re elected maybe then they will get it but probably not. You know when he wins again FOX NEWS, Rush and that Club for Growth will throw out that he wasn’t really a socialist, no but he really is an ex Crip who is going to spray paint the White House blue before he moves out. That or something about him selling crack or smack in Baltimore when he was supposed to be hanging at Camp David. They will trot out their fake video and photo shopped pics of him flashing gang signs while tending to his ho’s on some street corner. The details really don’t matter do they? Everyone knows how this is going to go down and I say bring it on. The way I see it white people have two choices, they can go with their gut and feel a little better about being underwater and out of work by hating on Obama or they can pull back the curtain and take a peek at the wizard who is really pulling the strings that got them into this mess. Here’s a hint, it sure ain’t some black dude from Hawaii I can tell you that much. If you really think the reason we are about one more bad day away from living in one of those Mad Max movies for real is health care for all or free birth control pills for the ladies then you got issues man. No matter how many times the Wall Street gangsters try to rapes us and then blame those darn Keynesian ideas (whatever that is) when things go south we still have to stay strong and call bullshit on them. Let them think Barack Obama’s Facebook pals don’t like him anymore. Truth is we may not have the hope thing anymore but we still have his back and I’m pretty sure of that. Later. |
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| 2011-07-23 | Out Of Cash |
| I guess we, the USA, is now flat ass broke. Ain’t that a bitch? I know they've been screaming about this 24/7 on all the cable channels but I usually don’t take those things seriously until something gets repo’d. That’s when you really know you are deep in it. As far as I'm aware the Chinese haven’t changed the locks on the Pentagon or the Statue of Liberty yet so we still have some room to try and wriggle out of this. I mean there is broke and there is BROKE. If it was really dine and dash time then I would be a little freaked. Right now the Republicans are saying it’s a spending problem and the Democrats are going with the blowback from those Bush tax cuts I never got much of. Someone’s right and someone’s wrong on this one. Me? I’m going with the second one being more stupid, mostly cuz any idea from that W guy turned to crap pretty quick. It must have been something one of his neo convicts pulled out of his butt late at night after multiple shots and too many bong hits. I mean giving rich people more money to play with must have sounded like a good call but I wish he would have run it by some not so rich people to get their take on it. Some dude on CNN said it cost about 2.6 trillion in the last 10 years. That is serious cash that might come in handy right now but it's just my take. I should also say I saw some blonde lady with a hecka lot of make up on Fox News saying that those Bush tax cuts made millions of jobs happen. When I heard her say it I sorta threw up the corn dog in my mouth I had just ate. It just didn’t sound right. Not where I live at least. I’ve been thinking a lot how I can help out here cuz I never did serve my country. I almost joined the Coast Guard after high school but I get seasick on Ferry’s so I never did mail in my paperwork. Still feel a little guilty I didn’t step up and do my duty. I do have a bit of experience with not having much cash flow and I’ve learned all sorts tricks to get by. Stuff that the President and those Congress people might want to maybe think about. Like do they really all need to hang out in DC? It costs a hell of a lot to give them offices and pay staff to do their thinking for them. Why not let them try that telecommute thing? They could work alone in their bedroom using that Go To Meeting program they sell at Office Depot. No more flying back and forth to the capitol on our dime. No need for them to wear those power suits with red ties and flag dealy’s on the lapel. I don’t think pajamas even have lapels so they would be history. Not that I have anything against our flag but I think the best place for it is on a pole not a politician. I know Obama has talked about taking away tax breaks for people with jet planes and I guess that makes some sense but since I don’t know anyone who owns a jet no way that is going to help much with this. I have a way better idea. How about we tax all golfers? Maybe hit them with a penny a hole surtax or something? A dime for every divot? A quarter to play through. We could make a trillion easy on a good weekend. Maybe even throw one of those tariffs at some South East Asian country where they make all our white belts and golf shoes. Make those Vietnamese pay us back for clear cutting their forests and jungles with that napalm junk we fooled around with back in the day. I know it would turn the GOP into suicide bombers but we are in drastic times here man. How about if they held a rock concert for America? Ask some big bands if they would raise some dough to save us. I bet the Beach Boys would pitch in. Maybe 38 Special and Pat Benatar would sign on too. It could be huge. We could have that anti tax guru Grover Norquist MC it and even have the Rockettes do a few dance numbers. It could work. I mean these things have helped out starving people in a lot of places around the world, just maybe not here. I’m pretty sure other countries we don’t owe money to might kick in a few bucks cuz you know they really want us to hang on. If we go down in smoke then they lose CSI, country music and Cialis. Things that will really be missed so I just don’t think the world will sit back and let this happen. I mean most countries don’t hate us that much cuz we can’t beat them at anything anymore. I guess that’s a good thing. As of now I’m pretty sure that everything will work out just fine. That debt limit thingy will probably be raised after the Republicans throw their scripted tantrum about taxes then the President tries to keep everyone happy by compromising and fails. When the dust settles and nobody is feeling it we can go back to worrying about stuff that’s way more interesting. Like whether Ashton Kutcher can actually fill the shoes of Charlie Sheen? Or which famous person will be next to sext their private gear (I have Marcus Bachmann as #2 in my own junk pool) over the internets? Maybe even finally getting the 411 on what shade of Mary Kay bronzer John Boehner uses to look like a human tangerine. Information that will keep the American people focused. I can hardly wait. Later. |
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| 2011-06-22 | Rehab |
| A lot of times in life I feel about a day and half behind everyone. Just a step or two slow. Like I started watching that TV show Lost about 3 weeks before the final episode. Or when I bought my first pack of pop rocks and a couple weeks later they stop making them after some kids head explodes. I bought a pair of jean shorts once and don’t need to say anything more on that one. I just have bad timing I guess. These days the really hot thing is rehab. For a whole butt load of things too. I mean alcohol and drug rehab is so old school. There is a 12 step meeting somewhere going on right now for just about anything a human can do that’s fun or feels even sort of good. I guess that’s why just about everyone I know except me has gone to some sort of treatment facility by now. Just one more thing I don’t cut the mustard with. Not that I don’t have some bad habits too, I do. I think it’s just cuz most of them are so boring they haven’t gotten popular enough yet to earn an official disorder label. Like eating ketchup straight out of the bottle. I’ve killed a couple at a time when I’m in the mood. Or my thing of picking up a phone book and calling as many Smith’s as I can before I fall asleep at night. I know it’s wrong but it does really help with my insomnia. Sometimes I nod off after only a couple calls but yeah, a few nights I’ve ended up bugging a whole lot of Smith’s. I usually feel crappy the next morning about it but if I don’t get my 8 hours it’s not good for anyone. So when I read about that Congressman from NY, Anthony Weiner saying he was going to head to rehab for being a show off about his dick that's when I first started thinking, man there must be a place now for just about every problem in the world. This dude got off on sending pic’s of his Johnson to chicks over the internets. He didn’t even know these women or try to hook up with them as I guess that would be lame. Times have changed a bunch cuz in the old days maybe people played doctor as kids and a few grown dudes do the flashing deal but future Hall of Fame NFL QB’s didn’t send shots of their junk over the phone to someone either. Does anybody think Johnny Unitas or Bart Starr would do this? Ok maybe Dandy Don Meredith would have given it a shot if they had cell phones in those days but really most guys then dug live woman way more even if it was a bigger hassle. I guess if I really do want to join the rehab club then I should at least do the batch-processing route they taught us about at the unemployment office. You see it’s good when you try to do more than one thing at once. Saves time and gets you a job too. At least that’s what the lady said to us losers in the class they make you take before you can apply for an extension of unemployment benefits. Still don’t have a job but maybe she was on the money about the best way to do things these days. Like I haven’t gone out with a lady since Bush was president, except with “friends” and not with any benefits except maybe a few free French fries. I’m thinking there are women, needy woman who have problems too at these places. I also sort of need to find a place to live for the next month or so as the guy I am sub, sub, subletting my apartment from is back from Afghanistan. Some R&R he said. That means I sure don’t want to be hanging around the apartment while he and his girlfriend R&R in front of me. I really have to find some place quick to crash. Did I already mention I had my food stamps ripped off last week too? The snack situation is pretty bleak around here. I’m thinking handling 3 problems at one time would qualify for batch processing and the lady at the unemployment office would be really proud of me so inpatient rehab here I come. The upside of being out of work is it will probably be free and the only downside of being cooped up in some place for a month is the Jell-O and other shitty food they try to cram down your throat. I gotta make a note to bring a ton of Corn Nuts with me and I should be ok. All I need to do now is figure out what my problem is going to be. I’ll have to know this before they give me a bed so I have it down to like 4 possible hang up’s. Nothing too trendy like Weiner or David Duchovny. No that’s been done. I need something that the chicks in the place won’t be too creeped out about. They will need to rescue me from my demons but it can’t be so gross they want to puke when they talk to me either. It seems gambling or cough syrup issues would be the smartest angle to go with. Or maybe both. I have 2 days to make the final decision so if anyone out there has done the rehab route before and can think of any better ideas let me know please. Thanks and later. |
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