| The Torture Gang |
| 2008-04-14 |
I was at my barber shop yesterday and a guy who was about to get a flat top told me that this made in America torture thing that was in the news so much in the last couple years was no screw up. I guess a bunch of Bush’s buddies got together in a secret room all the time, I think they call it the situation room, which means they go to this little tiny place no one except them knows of to talk about situations. They must have got the idea for the room from that Wolfman guy on CNN cuz he has one of them too. I’m guessing you have to know a password or something before anyone lets you in. I bet they don’t even let a janitor or maid in. It’s gotta be a real pig pen but that’s what happens when you have a secret meeting place. It wouldn’t be secret if you let in the janitor or maid in to fix or clean up stuff. Anyway, this guy getting the flat top said he heard Bush’s whole posse, Cheney (Duh), that Rummy dude, Ashcroft, Powell (the ex general) and the black chick Condi with a candle stick would meet all the time. They started hanging out trying to figure which eye would be ok to pop out and which testicle (ball) is cool to squish. I guess when a country starts doing this there’s no book of rules so you gotta make them up as you go along. There’s nothing worse than not knowing what the hell you’re doing when you start to beat the crap out of people to get them to squeal. I saw John McCain on that Fastball tv show saying there’s not much good in doing this cuz people say just about anything to get someone to stop sticking a crowbar up their nose. So outside of the fun factor I guess we haven't got a whole lot of scoops going this route. The flat top guy said he heard that Condi was hardcore, she wanted to go Reservoir Dogs on everyone, pulling off both ears at the same time with pliers if they didn’t have a rock solid alibi for like the last 15 years. She looks so soft on tv. Wow. Who knew? Anyway, Cheney told her we should only rip off one ear at a time cuz we might want to do it all over again the next day and we would be out of ears. He’s real big about being on the “dark side.” Don’t exactly know what this means but he said it’s where America needs to be. My barber Lenny said when he was in Viet Nam they had this set of rules called the Geneva something and most of the time everyone had to follow them. Now I guess rules are for pussies and they’re so yesterday. It must be a pretty fun time to be in the CIA. I might even think about joining up if I hadn’t had those couple of felony’s in the 90’s. Stupid stuff and nobody got hurt except me and my chance to get these guys from that sandy part of the world to spill the beans. In high school I used to be pretty good at getting guys to give it up. Most of the time I would just offer them beer or a hit on my bong and they would sing like the Village People. A few times I had to rough someone up a bit but I never tore off any thing that hurt too much. A toenail or a clump of hair but nothing where anyone had to go to the hospital. I knew most people didn’t have full medical. So even though I have a bit of experience in this interrogation thing I’m not waiting up for someone in the government to knock on my door. It happened once last year but they were just checking up on when I was going to pay my taxes. The dudes in the suits looked like they could have been CIA but they were just some pencil pushers from a local IRS office. At the time I was kinda bummed all they wanted was money but pretty happy no one went medieval on me. I mean these days government dudes in suits sometimes make Tony Montana look like Elton John so when any unmarked car is out front of my apartment I do sometimes poop my pants. I don’t want anyone swiping me in the middle of the night and then tossing me on some plane headed to that sandy part of the world. I guess that’s the best place to ask people questions. It’s totally cool there to do things that wouldn’t be ok in wussy countries like England, France and Italy. There you have to raise your hand and ask permission to put someone’s head in a vice. By the time you got the go ahead the dude would probably have hung himself in his cell so forget about taking our bad guys there. What a waste of time. So you get what they call “a change in venue” and it’s all good. I don’t know if the gang is still hanging out in that situation room anymore. A lot of them have quit their gigs with Bush and the ones that are left might be thinking they need to find a new situation room to plan this junk cuz if I know about them hanging out together there then just about everyone in the world does. Maybe before they get any new ideas they should read that old Geneva Rule Book or at least the Dummies version. There’s a decent chance one of the guys we fucked up was innocent and he might get a hot shot lawyer to sue their butts. Money talks so maybe Cheney might call off the dogs. He’s got a shitload of it in the bank and seems like the kind of guy who wants to take as much dough as possible with him to hell so it’s possible he might wise up. All I know is this ain’t my Dad’s America anymore. It ain’t mine either until these assholes split the country and move to Brazil or Argentina. Later. |
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