| Fourth of July |
| 2008-07-03 |
My third favorite holiday after Ground Hog’s Day and Columbus Day is the Fourth of July. It has all the stuff that the others have but a lot more gun powder. A day when most people won’t call the cops when you blow up shit. It’s almost patriotic to toss a couple M-80’s in the neighbors mail box cuz you’re celebrating us giving the finger to those British dudes about 232 years ago. I’m hoping that the two countries we invaded in that sandy part of the world a while back won’t be having their own holidays after flipping us off in a few years. That would be really rude cuz we bombed them to save them and if they think making up a holiday to rub our face in it would be a nice thing to do then maybe we shouldn’t have liberated them in the first place. I mean it would be one thing to have to leave those countries with our tail between our legs and a whole other thing to then have them pick a day to celebrate it and have a blast by blowing their own stuff up. That’s something that we do here in America not some wannabe country that hates everything that’s cool like naked women and NFL football. The Fourth of July is the one day where we can say we are the baddest place on earth cuz we say so. If some dinky country has a problem with it they can bring it up on July 5th. I have all my explosives laid out on my kitchen table. Of course I got a few boxes of snakes too. You might think they’re weak but I get a buzz off the smoke when I light up a whole box at once. Don’t try it man, it gives you a really bad headache. Or not more than a couple times in one day. I remember when I was going to community college around the Fourth of July and this one dude comes up to me and asks if I want to buy a claymore mine. He got it from his uncle who brought it back from Vietnam. It was old and stuff but looked really cool. I almost bought it but couldn’t come up with the 100 bucks he wanted. Which was a good thing cuz he later sold it to some loser who accidentally set it off in a McDonalds. He made the paper and was famous for a while but was it worth losing a hand and part of an ear? And it took him almost 4 years to pay off the fines and restitution he got hit with. That could have been me I guess but it would have happened at a Taco Bell as I hate McDonalds. I still feel sorry for the guy. He had no clue what to do with a land mine. One wrong move when taking a leak in the bathroom and he’s one handed. So yeah, I know this time of the year can be dangerous and that’s probably why everyone loves it so much. I mean how edgy is Mothers Day or Easter? It’s not ok to get totally drunk and vomit on the carpet on those days. No way. There’s only a couple times a year where you can get a pass on that and this is one of them. I mean people still get pissed if you barf on their carpet but they sort of look the other way. Why? It’s America’s birthday and pretty much anything goes. Not like wife swapping or bank robbery but almost everything else. Stuff that only Americans are good at. That’s why I guess other countries could try and rip us off but it just won’t work. I am proud to be an American and on this special day I can show the world just how proud by doing some major damage. Nothing that will hopefully make the news but let’s just say it will be loud and hopefully no gerbils will get hurt seriously. Later |
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