| The Two Coreys |
| 2008-07-29 |
There’s tv and there’s tv. I know most the stuff on the tube is total crap, filler for the real deal, the commercials but this show is different. It’s important. It’s my favorite program right now and if you haven’t been watching then maybe you should just kill yourself because there’s something wrong with you. It’s on the A & E channel but don’t let that scare you they have other junk that’s not for smart people too. The program is called “The Two Coreys” and it kicks ass so much that I feel like I should say a thank you to God for putting it on the air. Why do I like it so much? Two words, Feldman & Haim or 3 if you count the &. They are freaking amazing and even better than anything that’s on Faces of Death 1 or 2. Now there might be a couple people out there who may have been in a coma or something during the late 80’s and early 90’s but these two Coreys ruled the earth. They made movies not films, like License To Drive and Dream A Little Dream. DeNiro can make all the Raging Bulls and Taxi Drivers he wants but these two dudes gave us some good shit. Now each Sunday night I get to see what they are up to these days and it’s better than sex (not a tough call since my Visa card is maxed out). I mean Feldman still looks like the guy in that Leprechaun movie (I don’t think he was actually in it) but he rocks. It’s so cool to see he has a personal assistant and a bodyguard. Yep, the security’s a huge black dude named Dre (aren’t they all?) and I bet he feels like squishing his boss every time he tries to sing. Feldman even has a band. Kinda like the people who write books and pay someone to print them. They have the bread so why not? The thing is he sounds worse than a vacuum cleaner. It’s pretty bad but he seems to think he’s better than Bono or Trent Reznor so that makes it really fun to watch. He sings to his total babe of a wife on the show and she might be the only female on earth who can sit there listening to his crap and not smack him in the mouth. I guess that’s true love. And did I mention she’s been in like Playboy magazine too? I do wonder who buys his clothes though. Feldman wears a lot of leather coats and hats with lame logo’s on them. In fact I don’t think he owns anything without some dragon or kung fu chicken drawn on it. He looks like he got Michael Jackson’s hand me downs a few years ago. A lot of almost military stuff that some country in South America might have given Mikey on the Thriller tour. But no matter how many haters there are out there I don’t think he’s going to care much because he’s Corey freaking Feldman! Now the other Corey is scary tv cuz he isn’t just an ex actor drug addict trying to make a comeback, he’s an ex actor drug addict trying to make a comeback who is madly in love with himself. This makes for the best stuff to watch you can find anywhere, anyplace. Sure the other Corey has the Hollywood mansion, the hot wife and wears sunglasses at night, this Corey is the shit cuz he’s someone we all know (except the ex actor thing). The fuck up that you hang out with and don’t really know why. He shouts he loves you so much you start to hate the word and begin to think about moving in the middle of the night to anywhere else. Corey Haim may never work again in Hollywood but he’s still cooler than Mickey Rourke or Tom Sizemore. Ok, maybe not Sizemore, he get’s bonus points for Heidi Fleiss. The Haimster is at his best when he’s talking about his favorite subject, himself. I kinda like myself too but this guy takes it to another level, almost slipping himself the tongue sometimes. The biggest reason I like this Corey even more than the other Corey is how much of a screw up he is with chicks. He couldn’t be worse if he tried. I know some of his problems are because of those same coats and shirts with more stupid logos on them. Has he ever heard of a plain t-shirt? Don’t think so and that’s why I always am yelling at the tv so loud my upstairs neighbor Ted screams at me to shut up. He may not be wearing any of MJ’s rejects but they could be hand me downs from any of those Back Street Boys. I know clothes don’t make the man but they can sure make someone want to cut your balls off. Or at least a toe. Anyway, Haim wants to be best friends again with his buddy Feldman but it just doesn’t look like it’s going to happen and it's tough to see it go down. I also have been rejected by a guy who I thought was my best friend. We used to go everywhere together. Played Frisbee golf with him every Sunday, went to the swap meet the third Saturday of each month and even had tattoos of each other’s name put on our right butt cheek. And then he met a girl and it was over. She wasn’t in Playboy or anything but she was way hotter than anyone he had ever gone out with. I knew right away that I was toast and would have to learn to play Frisbee golf solo. Don’t think I ever got over it and I’m betting once Haim figures out Feldman is only hanging out with him to get his mug on tv it’s going to be really, really sad. I’m thinking it’s coming up on a episode pretty soon. Or maybe not. It’s possible Feldman will want to do one more season before he tells Haim to get lost. I’m thinking his wife may talk him into sucking it up until she gets a centerfold or at least a guest shot on Night Calls (if it hadn’t gotten cancelled). So we’ll see how this car wreck is going to go down. Either way it’s not going to be pretty and that’s why America is the greatest country in the world. I gotta go now cuz in like 5 minutes one of their bests, Blown Away is on TBS. Later. |
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