| Where's My Parachute? |
| 2008-10-08 |
I don’t even know what one of those CEO dudes do but I sure as hell want to be one someday. Hopefully real soon. Man I read in this Time magazine I sorta borrowed from my downstairs neighbor (he must be rich or something too cuz he gets so many damn magazines) and it was all about how much bread these guys make (CEO’s). The really cool thing about these jobs is getting fired! Man they make millions whenever they can get themselves canned. So yeah, they might have to go in front of some congressman and have their balls cut off live on CNN but that’s after they pocketed millions so who gives a shit? It’s so not like that for me as most of the time when it happens I get nothing and even get turned down for unemployment! The only upside really is I don’t have to go to my shitty job anymore. Now that’s still cool but I have to come up with money somehow so I take another shitty job and it starts all over again. If I got a few million each time they kicked me to the curb it sure would make things a lot easier. So my plan right now is to figure out how to get one of these CEO gigs. I mean I can handle the firing angle. I got a butt load of experience with that. So now I guess I get a haircut, buy a tie and maybe learn some big words quick before I get one on those interviews you have to go through to decide whether they give you a job or not. I hate those things. Now that I’m not exactly a kid anymore it sucks to have to sit there and have some still a kid ask me questions about my “goals”. I mean that is something that I sure as hell don’t want to tell some guy way younger than me. How smart would it be to tell some punk I’m only interested in a CEO jobs cuz he knows the first thing I’d do if I got it would be to fire his ass for making me eat shit in his flipping interview? What I’m saying here is you gotta be kinda crafty and only tell dudes like him stuff that won’t give your plan away. I would say if you can get your big toe in the door and get hired for whatever crap job they toss your way you just hang low for the first couple weeks before making your move. I learned the dirty little secret about becoming a CEO is you have to take out everyone in front of you to get there. Maybe not kill them but make sure they’re not in your way. A lot of guys I know just don’t have the guts to do what needs to be done. I guess before I read that Time magazine story I wasn’t tough enough either but you know, I didn’t really know how much bread these guys make for fucking up. That’s when I knew that job is for me cuz I can mess things up as well as anyone, anywhere can. I’m sort of world class with that so I about to choose which company I want to be the head cheese of. There’s McDonalds cuz I have a buddy who is the night supervisor at one near my apartment. I’m pretty sure he’d hire me even though I’ve quit a ton of times at a bunch of Mickey D’s around town. It’s tough to find people that are willing to be perky to drunks and pimps at 3 in the morning so I keep getting hired. I could try and turn around that Subway company. I heard that since their fat dude mascot who got skinny is now getting kinda porky again the company’s taking a dive. Being a CEO there would be kinda cool cuz they have those chocolate cookies I really dig and I could scarf up all the salami I could cram in my pockets. Besides getting paid so much I’d also never have to go to Safeway again. Not like working at those more yellow than golden arches where the only thing I could keep down was the apple turnovers. I know for a fact they have none of that “employee theft” stuff that places who serve human food do. Or I could pick a place where they sell video games like that Nintendo company. That would be pretty cool cuz the owner there lives in Japan and it’s way more fun to work at a place where the boss is never around. Like the guy he has running the Seattle Mariners, the team he owns. The more the doofus screws up the team the longer he gets to keep his job which I bet really pisses him off cuz you know he just wants to get it over with and get paid. When this loser finally does get fired he’s going to make many millions in thank you for leaving money that he could probably buy his own team. So you see that’s the thing with being a CEO, the minute you take the job you start planning how to get the axe so you can do what you really want to do, nothing. I am an expert on doing nothing and it’s way more fun than doing something so that’s why the first thing I’m going to do tomorrow morning is borrow the paper of my neighbor and start checking out the help wanted ads. Like I said it may take me some time to get to the top and yeah I’ll have to take out a bunch of people but in the end it’ll be worth it cuz I’ll be getting one of those “parachutes” everyone talks about. They are really neat if you can get one so wish me luck in looking for work. I’ll keep you posted. Later. |
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