| Vampire City |
| 2008-11-12 |
| I’m thinking vampires right now are the new black. Since I can’t be the only one in the world who has written that sentence I should probably say thanks if I stole anyone’s words. If not then someone is gonna owe me a thanks now when they say it. Anyway, where was I, oh yeah, vampires. They’ve always been around if you looked for them but now they’re every-freaking-where man. When I pick up a magazine while I’m waiting in line at the 7-11 I’m always seeing something about them. When I turn on the tv or go to the library it seems like these vampires are like totally in my face and it’s starting to get on my nerves. I mean why not werewolves or zombies? They should get some love too. What about wolfmen or those flesh eating hamsters? Does anyone see these killing machines getting their 15 minutes? I don’t think so and it ain’t fair. I’m a big believer in everyone getting their shot at being somebody and it seems like someone out there made the decision to push vampires to the head of the line. Why? I’m thinking it had to be payola, a butt load of it. The fix is in. Could it be someone in that “military industrial multi-plex?” Or maybe it’s a shape shifter who knows the publicity would be the kiss of death. Or a Mummy who’s just burned out and wants a break from the 9 to 5. I don’t know for sure but it’s pretty clear whoever’s in charge thinks we are stupid enough to buy anything with anything about vampires. I can’t be the only living person who thinks it’s flipping creepy (not the regular kind of creepy, more like sex offender creepy) to see all these teenage girls carrying those icky Twilight vampire books as big as dictionary’s around with them. Whoever thought up the idea of cute vampires in love should be locked in a tanning bed for like 6 hours. What a gimme. It’s about as easy of a sell as free Taco’s at the biker bar on Tuesdays or Thursdays. Now about a zillion girls are gonna grow up looking for stuff that no guy their age can deliver. This is where I could jump in with how lame my love life is but I really can’t pin that on vampires. The women I date grew up with junk like Nancy Drew and the Scarlet Letter so they had really, really low end stuff they dreamed about thank god. So who or what can I blame my luck on? Don’t know for sure so maybe I should get back to vampires. Like if I had a daughter there’s no way I would let her read that Twilight crap and if I ever caught her with one of those books I’d take her to the plasma center and make her donate a pint or so. She’d probably freak out and never want to even think about blood again and I’d feel pretty good that someone in my family finally gave something back to the community. It’s what they call a win-win. My upstairs neighbor Jimmy made me watch this show on cable called True Blood last week and I gotta admit vampires do have a whole lot more fun than me. So yeah, maybe if you were some shrink you might be saying right now I’m just “displacing” my jealousy at vampires by being a hater. Ok, it’s possible. I mean who wants to see dead things having way hotter sex than anything you’ve ever had? Even in a wet dream? It’s not right. Has anyone reading this ever heard of a zombie or a mummy getting some? How about a wolfman? No, all these guys just focus on what they’re supposed to do and that’s make you pee your pants. Does a zombie make me feel like I’m a loser in the sack? No and that’s why I’m ok with them. Vampires are like the homecoming king or quarterback of the high school football team. All the women dig them and they know it. It must be the huge fangs I guess but I think I speak for all the dudes in voc school when I say what good are they when the car or plumbing needs fixing? Normal guys like me may be boring to chicks but we come in handy when stuff breaks. That’s about all I got right now. I know if things keep going like they are vampires will rule the world and I’m just gonna have to get used to it. It’ll be up to someone else down the road to make a stand and say enough is enough. What was once something that made you scream is now like Coke Zero or Frango’s. If someone ever does step up and do the right thing by making vampires scary again then maybe the world isn’t as messed up as I think it is. I want to be wrong. I really do. Until then I’m gonna try and keep as far away from them as possible. If I really, really, really need to be scared shitless I’ll tune into FOX NEWS for a peek at the re modeled face of that Greta Van something. That usually does the trick. Later. |
If you email Spike, he'll read it.
Copyright 2006 Spud Goodman Productions