| The Twilight Movie |
| 2008-11-24 |
| Don’t laugh ok? I know how much shit I’m going to take after telling everyone what I did. I mean this one is worse than when I bought a Bon Jovi CD about ten years ago. I might as well just say it, I went to that vampire movie Twilight! Now I do have sort of an excuse if anyone will give me a chance to tell my side of it. I’m pretty sure most of you have already stopped reading this by now so what the hell do I have to lose by coming clean? I know I’m gonna feel better afterwards cuz it was killing me pretending it didn’t happen. Ok it went down like this, there’s this lady who lives on my floor at the apartment building who has a daughter about 14. The mom’s a dancer at a club in town and is really busy so she asked me for a favor. You guessed it, her kid April really, really, really wanted to see this Twilight movie and she needed me to take her and a couple of her friends. It was her birthday I think. Anyway, mom gave me a hundred dollar bill (she had a regular customer drop by the night before) and told me to buy them tickets and all the junk they (and me too) could cram down our mouths. So off we went on the bus, straight to hell (the mall) and got in line to buy tickets for the thing. Who knew it was so popular? There must have been like three million teenage girls in line whining about maybe not getting in for the next showing. I felt kinda bad hoping it was gonna be sold out so I could put them into some kid flick and I could find something with a little skin in it. Hey, it wouldn’t have been that tough cuz this place had like 42 screens but no such luck, some little punk who worked there gets on a loudspeaker and says they had about 5 seats left for the 1:30 in the morning showing so April made me buy them. Yeah we had to kill about 3 hours so I watched them play video games and a little truth or dare until they finally let us into the theater. Do you feel my pain yet? So the movie starts and right way something doesn’t seem right. This ain’t my kinda vampire movie cuz just about everyone looks like they could be in one of those Fruit of the Loom underwear ads on the billboards. We are talking people that are scary good looking and that’s what creeped me out. I don’t know about you but when I was a kid vampires in the movies gave me the willies but these teenage girls sure didn’t seem freaked. I mean they looked like they were seeing the Beatles for the first time as they grabbed each other. When the star vampire Eddy shows up at school (with a bucket of gel in his way too perfect hair) and meets the star chick Bella it started to remind me of one of those After School Specials without actors who look like models. It was pretty clear she liked him right away cuz he was way better looking than all the other boys in her class. It really wasn’t fair for those guys, it was like the Yankees playing some single A team. Speaking of baseball, what was up with these bloodsuckers playing my most favorite sport? I guess the lady who wrote the book thought she’d throw that in for the tom boy girls but it was so wrong. I mean do you find many ghost stories with them playing hockey or football? The answer is no. But since this Stephanie lady who wrote it has sold a butt load of books what do I know? It was about half way through the movie when I thought everybody in the theater would start booing as there was like no fangs ripping into necks. We’re talking no chomping. Nothing! I’ve seen more blood at Dollar Store after Christmas sales. What they showed instead was a whole lot of Bella looking at Eddy and Eddy Looking at Bella. I guess they really started to like each other but for some reason they were mostly into staring which if I was their parents I guess wouldn’t be so bad but I wasn’t so it was really boring. Then I remembered I still had to take April and her friends back home after the thing so staring was probably best for me too. I mean what was I gonna say if one of them asked me a question their Mom’s should be answering? Like about love n stuff. Now that would be panic city. So at the end there was a little tiny bit of gore but it was too little and way, way, way too late. We got out of the theater around 4:00 am and there was like 3 other people on the bus ride home. When I tried to give April’s mom the 6 bucks in change I still had left she told me to keep it. I told her I’d drop by her club in the next couple days (I’ve never seen her naked) and bring as many one’s I could scrounge up. She seemed to be ok with that. Maybe I’ll ask her to go with me to see a movie sometime but it sure as hell won’t be some piece of crap like this Twlight movie! Like is it too hard to make a scary movie that looks even sorta real? You know what I mean? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about a damn snuff film or anything but something that stays with you. A flick that makes it hard to get to sleep afterwards. If anyone out there knows of one let me know. Thanks. Gotta go. Later. |
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Copyright 2006 Spud Goodman Productions