| A-Rod's Closet |
| 2009-02-11 |
| I had a friend of a friend of a friend who knew some babe that went out with A-Rod when he was playing in Seattle. I should probably say up front this is no lie. It was during the time he said he only took Flintstone chewables. I guess this chick didn’t say anything about any needle marks on his rear end but she sure as hell saw what was in his closet and I’m not talking about the gay thing. No, this friend of a friend of a friend spilled the beans abot what she saw and at first none of us believed it. This big baseball star looked sorta like someone who knew what was cool and what was so lame that Al Roker wouldn’t even go there. I guess everyone was wrong about the roids and his taste in clothes. What she saw was a freaking closet full of butt ugly cardigan sweaters! In every color sold. Can you believe it? I couldn’t at first when that friend of a friend of a friend first told me but she swore it was true. It almost made her throw up but I guess she kept it under control until she got home. There are something’s in a date that you might be able to blow off, like sorta bad breath, being a republican or liking liverwurst but no one except Ward Cleaver has a closet full of cardigan sweaters. I did hear A Rod is no cheapskate though (even pre the 252 million buck contract with that Ranger team and the biggest dumb shit owner in baseball history) I guess he flew her and a few other hotties to road games all the time. Now this was before he got married and dumped his wife for Madonna of course. These days I don’t think he would want to even dream of messing around with that Mrs. Robinson lady cuz she has people that will hurt him. I know all the fans in Seattle hate this guy cuz he left for elephant bucks in Texas but they should hate him for other reasons too. I know I don’t like him and it’s all about the other stuff. Like I don’t want to be too rough on him (ok, I do) but don’t you hate anyone who tries really, really, really hard to sell themselves as nice when it’s pretty easy to see they’re pricks? Like those coal companies, those hedge fund thingy’s and Iraq? They don’t pass that smelling test. You know when something stinks like Old Spice. I guess everyone in the world is on his ass at this minute about juicing, it seems like it's now worse than those fake snuff films they sell on the internet. Who saw this coming? Think back when people went ape shit while McGuire, Bonds and Sosa were crushing the ball 5 or 6 years ago. Everyone could see their bodies balloon up to superhero size but no one cared. It was all about someone hitting 100 homers in a season and it would have happened if they had just let those dudes who cooked up the stuff in labs keep trying out new recipes. It’s possible they could have made some player into a cyborg who could hit 300 dingers a year or throw 30 no hitters in a row. Right now man without the secret sauce it’s tough sitting through a 2 to 1 game with bodies that look a lot like mine. Where did all the incredible hulks go? A guy at the barber shop yesterday told me he thought anyone who ever used this shit should be kicked out of pro sports. I told him who would they get to play on the teams? I know there are a lot of those investment bankers (what the hell did they do?) who are looking for work but they don’t seem like they would be real good at sports. No way some welder at GM, a coffee maker at Starbucks or a Circuit City salesman could step up and fill in on many teams. So I’m thinking something is gonna have to happen here, either the owners help these jocks shoot up in the locker room or they go out of business. Maybe that’s not a bad thing cuz then I would have more time to play Grand Theft Auto IV and not have to sit through the commercials and a lot of boring games. Something to think about is if dudes like A Rod lose their jobs then I guess that would mean we really are in one of those depressions so even if I do hate his guts I don’t really want to see the world close up shop. If I was a buddy of his I would tell him maybe not so many people would think he’s scum if he gave half of his new billion dollar contract to stop the earth from getting too crispy or helping the people who can’t afford pay cable or even building a giant ark for those people in New Orleans just in case that levee thing the government re built is not too solid (again). It’s a no brainer he needs to do something quick that makes people go “Ahhhhhhhh what a nice guy.” Now I didn’t say I would ever buy it but if enough did then it’s one of those win-win deals. He gets to keep playing for the Yankees and not be hit with syringes by fans everywhere he goes (it could put an eye out if they were tossed from the top deck of a stadium). In the good old days in Seattle when he would come back to town after he ditched the team everyone would throw fake money at him when he was on deck (no way cash could ever put an eye out) and he seemed to be ok with it but now even I feel a little sorry for him cuz you know there’s some cold ass props being made right now (and spring training hasn’t even started). And just when I start to think maybe we all should just back off and give him another chance I remember what that friend of a friend of a friend said about that closet of cardigan sweaters and I man up. Yep, this is going to be a rough season for A Rod. I hope he’s ready for it. Later. |
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