| Ann Coulter Dumped Me |
| 2009-03-10 |
So if anyone cares, it didn’t go real well with Ann Coulter. She may look like a really, really, really hot bulimic he/she but on the inside I think she’s not very nice. Ok, I know most people besides me and maybe a couple Neo Nazi’s already knew this but sometimes love can make you do dumb stuff. She wouldn’t even say hi when I called her, (I got her cell number from this death row pen pal web site) she just sorta grunted uh-huh and sounded like she was maybe clipping her toenails or something when she was kinda talking to me. I figured I had a minute or two to make her like me so I worked as quick and hard as I could. Should I have brought up her hotness right away? Well, I did and at first I thought she stopped clipping so that sounded like I might have a shot but it turned out she was done with that and had just started flossing her teeth. Since I couldn’t understand anything she was saying I had to wait until she had gargled and then it was easy to hear her say that she had no clue who I was and to like never call her again. Then I knew I only had a second or two before she hung up so I screamed that I hated those scum sucking liberal democrats and I wanted to do something to show her how evil they were. That seemed to work as she was quiet for maybe a minute and then she asked me what my sign was. I’ve never really had a sign so I said Libra cuz it was the only one I knew and I guess it was the magic word or something. It was kinda weird really. She then asked me my blood type and I think I said O Positive cuz I had heard that kinda blood on CSI the night before. You woulda thought I said I was a Jonas Brother or something man, she went ape shit. I later read on her web site thingy that she is totally into blood types, something about being “a road map to true whiteness” so it sorta made sense. I never had gone out with a chick who was so into the “white thing.” I mean once in high school I did date this black girl who would only go out with white guys and my black buddies could never understand why she wouldn’t share the love. After awhile I quit calling her cuz I thought she was one of those racist people. When I found out like 10 years later she married some rapper from Compton I thought I may have screwed up as she was the best kisser I had ever kissed. That was when I first learned that sometimes when you think someone doesn’t like black people it might only be temporary. So Ann asked me if I wanted to meet at a Starbucks the next day near her place and I told her it would be tough cuz I lived across the country in like Tacoma Washington. That might have been the deal killer cuz then she went on and on about how many serial killers that have come from my hometown. I still don’t know if she meant it was a bad or cool thing but I did know that living so far away from her would make it tough for a booty call so I said I might be packing up everything and moving back east when I finally got that trailer hitch put on my El Camino. Thinking back that seemed like when she really started talking mean to me. Mostly she was pissed that I couldn’t come right over to help her paint her bathroom. Even when I told her that if I could sell enough of my type O Positive blood to buy a plane ticket I probably couldn’t help much with painting cuz I was allergic to latex (something I remembered that almost killed the wife of my high school principal so it seemed like a good line). I guess that was what finally did it and made her hang up but as a friend said to me, if it wasn’t the painting thing it would have been something else like not doing a cross burning right or being too nice to a dude who looked like an Arab. Almost anything could have pissed her off. I know a lot of you told me in emails that I was crazy even to think about dating Ann Coulter. That I would regret letting my lust make me do something really stupid and I know you guys were looking out for me but there are times when you just have to say what the fuck and take a shot at the girl of your dreams. Yeah, it didn’t go real well but at least now when I see her on all the FOX NEWS shows I can say I almost had her and it feels pretty good. It’s like this guy who works at the re cycling center told me last week (I don’t remember his name), he said love is like a piece of cardboard, some people may not even notice it laying on the ground in front of their face but others are smart enough to bend over and pick it up. I bent over. How about you? Later. |
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