| Fox News Blondes Part 2 |
| 2009-04-16 |
| Now I’m starting to freak out cuz it’s getting way worse. I was even thinking of going to one of those 13 step meetings to help me kick this thing. This is no joke man, these days it’s blondes or nothing, not even a sorta blonde will do the trick. I’m an addict and I need to come clean. The truth is I really can’t stop watching FOX NEWS even if I wanted to. It’s on like 25 hours a day in my apartment. I used to watch for awhile during the day and then surf on over to ESPN or the Speed Channel but now it stays lock and loaded on the house of peroxide no matter how bad I want to check out something else. How did I get this bad? Who knows? I could try and blame someone or something but what good would that do? No, I just need to fix it and fast. Having this problem really does mess up your life cuz nothing gets done anymore. Not even simple stuff like taking a shower or trimming the nose hairs. I go to sleep with FOX NEWS on and wake up with FOX NEWS on. It’s the only place on the tube where I know I can find all blonde women all the time. I mean I could waste hours flipping around to other news shows and find one here or one there but it’s too much freaking work. I tried to change the channel the last few weeks, once to that Lou Dobbs’s show and a couple times to Rachel Maddow but there wasn’t one single blonde on for 60 full minutes so I started to jones pretty fast before I went back to my Aryan safe house. Ok, I also checked out that Fastball show with Chris Matthews cuz he has sorta blonde hair. And how does a 60 year old dude still have blonde hair? Anyway, after about 5 minutes of listening to him interrupt people I started sweating and had to switch back to my Megyn Kelly - www.elle.com/Entertainment/Movies-TV/10-Things-About-Me-Megyn-Kelly or Gretchen Carlson - www.zimbio.com/Gretchen+Carlson or Martha McCullom - www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPtiZGKE--Y or ……. I shouldn’t really play favorites here, I mean there’s so many I can’t even count them but for the record I do love them all the same. This tea party thing that FOX NEWS keeps yakking about all the time is flipping boring by the way but the blondes still keep me watching this crap. It’s kinda sick don’t you think? Everyone knows that they are trying to get all the angry white gay guys to tune in cuz they already have the angry white non gay guys, the white gun lovers, the white supremacists, the white taxidermists, and the white whatevers already glued to their channel. Tea bags are nice if you put them in hot water but any other use is too weird for me. I’m really surprised the women on this channel would keep bringing up this disgusting thing that I hate to even think about. They must give them bonus bucks each time they mention the word tea bag cuz no woman I know would ever even say it out loud. I know a lot of people dig kinky stuff, it’s no secret that Bill O’Reilly is into caged bum fights, it’s true, I read it in a blog at condron.us/. The thing is though I really don’t want to know the dirt on all my favorite cable news hosts. It sorta breaks the wall and I get really depressed when I hear these people are just as messed up as me. If I want to watch fucked up people then I would just stand in the bathroom all day and look at myself in the mirror ranting about the 10% of this country who make over 250,000 bucks and are now getting screwed by having to pay 3% more each year on their income tax! I can understand why that makes Glenn Beck spew like a river. I mean 3% of what he earns is like enough to buy a Hummer or something. Think about it, say in a decade he would have 10 less sorta tanks he could have stuck in his garage if it wasn't for comrade Obama. It’s just not fair and balanced for rich people so I guess that’s why FOX NEWS is so all over this Tea Bag thing disgusting as it is. If I ever am able to get over my thing for blonde cable news hosts then there’s a chance my mom will no longer be embarrassed to say she gave birth to me. I really don’t know if it’s even possible but I know you have to have hope if you want to change your life. I figured out how many hours a day I would have to like get a job, clean up my apartment and maybe even find a real life blonde woman to go out on a date with me if I could just get this thing under control. When you add them all up it comes to 24. I guess I should also tell everyone that I may live to watch the FOX NEWS fair haired hotties on tv but in real life I have never even shook hands with a human blonde, ever. Not once. Pretty freaking lame huh? Ok, not counting the time I went to this strip club and I accidentally tripped this dancer as she was coming off stage. I guess I wasn’t looking and I fell on her. When the bouncers came and tossed me out I tried to say I didn’t do it on purpose but I guess rules are rules. No touching except in the champagne room and I violated that one big time. Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’m not the only screwed up guy who watches FOX NEWS. There’s gotta be a butt load of dudes like me out there. My mom said I should look on the internet for one of those forums thingy’s where people share their problems and help each other. That would be easier than one of those inpatient treatment programs and a lot cheaper too. If anyone out there knows of a place online where people who have this problem can go and get help please let me know would you? I should wrap this thing up about now cuz Laura Ingraham - www.lauraingraham.com is sitting in for Sean Hannity and well, she really, really, really does it for me. I think there’s a good chance she’s a legit blonde too even though everyone says her roots are showing. I say people should stop being mean and have some faith. What kind of world do we live in when a woman gets questions about her natural hair color? Sometimes you just have to have faith in people you know what I mean? I will keep you posted on how things are going and if I’m able to kick this problem. If not then I guess I’m stuck in FOX NEWS hell forever and will just have to make the best of it. If anyone reading this knows how to get a hold of any of the (only) blonde anchors on this list digg.com/d1n4y0 could you let me know ASAP? I’m kinda thinking of asking one of them to my high school re union. I figure the old ask a hundred women out and one might say yes could work. You never know. Wish me luck. Later |
If you email Spike, he'll read it.
Copyright 2006 Spud Goodman Productions