| Oil Me This! |
| 2010-05-21 |
| I know it’s not cool to rip into someone for doing something that maybe you’ve done a few times yourself. When I sit in front of my 13 inch not plasma tv and watch the news about this oil spill deal it makes me want to punch someone. Now I haven’t actually hit a person since the fifth grade when Linda Gorman said I threw like a girl and I smacked her in the arm. I remember she then just sorta looked at me funny and started laughing. Really hard. Later that day after school she kicked me in the nut sack and I pretty much figured out that violence wasn’t for me. I heard at my last high school reunion Linda was now a nun. I bet she still doesn’t take crap from anyone, even her bosses from that Italian place where they send out smoke signals instead of just telling people with their mouths what’s up. So as I said I’ve also had a couple accidents where I sorta made a mess that other people had to clean up. Mostly with leaving the faucet running. Once I fell asleep after turning on the water to take a bath. I guess I flooded out the guy who lived in the apartment below me. My place wasn’t totaled but since water runs downhill he got the worst of it. Good thing the manager found a mini meth lab in his tub so it was all good but I did feel really bad. Another time I forgot I put the stopper in the kitchen sink and turned on the water to get a drink (it helps to let it run for a few seconds cuz then it’s doesn’t taste like ass as much) and then the phone rang (some chick I met at a bar like three years ago wanted to know if I still had her wonder bra). I think I went into the bathroom and kept talking to her for like an hour or so cuz it’s the warmest spot in my place. This time there was water damage in 4 apartments below me. Man was everybody pissed. Thank god the manager had quit a couple days before and nobody figured out how it happened. I said it must have been a busted pipe and since we all got new carpet it blew over. Anyway, about this BP oil spill thing, I guess no one should be surprised. I mean when we drill baby drill stuff can happen. Some good things and some bad things. Sort of like if you started digging holes in your backyard, sooner or later you could hit a gusher like Jed Clampett. Probably not oil but a water or gas line for sure. Anything can go down when you start poking around looking for something that doesn’t belong to you. I mean who owns the dinosaurs? It was so long ago it would be tough to figure that one out. If you really think about it there might not be a more creepy thing than to make money on dead stuff. I mean what’s the difference from digging where the family pets are buried? Or any place where croaked things are hanging out? Don’t know how many years it takes for the carcass of something to turn into oil but you’d think a human body would be a higher grade of oil than a Tyrannosaurus. Like we gotta be at least a 15W-40 and the best they’d be is 10W-30. Maybe that’s the answer to all this fuss about running out of the stuff. Has anyone even thought about all the cemetery’s that are out there? We could be sitting on a zillion barrels of oil and who would care about a little spill in a graveyard? What’s the worst that can happen there? The squirrels start showing birth defects? But when you start messing up the ocean, well that’s another story. Did I mention I really like eating at Red Lobster? Popcorn shrimp is my heroin. I can’t get enough. Ever and I read in the paper that most every kind of fishy thing they buy from that part of the country could be history for about 3 to 5 years cuz of those BP assholes. Well, that got me really torked. Ok, maybe they can find seafood from like Greenland or some place a hell of a long ways away but what happens when "leaks" start there too? I mean pretty soon I’m gonna have to switch to Olive Garden (it totally sucks except for the breadsticks) cuz oil can’t kill a noodle. At least I’m pretty sure it can’t but why did the government ever let these companies do their thing without an adult supervising? Let’s just say I know now I need someone to keep an eye on me whenever I turn on any running water, hot or cold. It’s just a fact and all of these oil dudes know they’re screw ups too if you could sit down and talk with them over many beers. Not the suits who’ve never even pumped their own gas but the guys out on the oil rigs in the ocean. They know what’s up and I’m betting they don’t swim much on breaks anywhere around where they are drilling. So, what’s a company that makes over a billion dollars a month gonna do to make this right? Besides trying to squeeze all the slimy politicians (mostly republicans) to make sure they don’t have to pay anything more than chump change to the people who’ll be totaled in this mass cluster fuck. These dicks will just keep lying about how bad it is. Maybe in England that metric system they got is the problem. When the British oil dudes say this thing is no big deal maybe it’s all in the numbers. Is a kagillion centimeter’s of oil pouring out each day into the water less than a butt load? I'll have to use that Googly thing again to figure it out. Re fixing the damn leak, well you’d think they’d be smart enough to come up with a better idea than trying to plug up this freaking gusher with mud and golf balls. I’ve clogged up many a toilet over the years myself but never with junk like that. Did one their kids lay this brilliant idea on them? Nobody even said one word about Play-Doh. Better than mud if you ask me. There’s a chance a couple cases of Titlelists might work for a few hours but no way it does the job for good and when it blows again well I hope someone yells fore really loud. And I’m no scientist ok but I’m betting Rush Limbaugh could be wrong about the ocean being a “self cleaning” place. I guess he said everybody just needs to chill out and let nature do it’s thing. Well, when the tar balls roll up in front of his Palm Beach crib you know he’s gonna be the first to scream “there goes the neighborhood!” No more body surfing for El Rushbo. Nope. So I guess I should end this thing as I really do need to trim my back hair again but before I do I want to give you a heads up, the next time you pull into a BP station, it’s cool to pick up some Slim Jims or a Mountain Dew but buy your gas somewhere else ok? It’s just a suggestion. Later. |
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