| LeBron's Got Next |
| 2010-07-20 |
| I get it now. It took me a few days to figure it out but I guess it sorta makes sense. I mean as long as he knows every slow, overweight slob with no J (ok, like me) at Y’s everywhere will totally hate him to his grave then it’s all good. Who would ever like a dude who stacked his 5 instead of shooting for teams like regular people? Ok, except assholes like him? I mean I’m pretty sure he would like himself. I know, I know he’s the “King” but wasn’t there a war way back in this country because of some other King who was a dick too right? That one may have started over taxes and stuff but just about everyone has always hated Kings, all of them, especially these days with so many people out of work. It’s a no brainer when 3 monster stars on the same squad are gonna make over 100 mill apiece to play a game for 5 years it kinda makes them more hate able than the Yankees, the Cowboys or anything Donald Trump has got his stubby little hands on. This is Howard Stern money we are taking about! I know all three of them, Wade, Bosh and James say one ball is enough to play with but when they look at league stats and see that a ton of players that couldn’t beat them at horse (even spotting them h-o-r-s) are now way ahead of them in ppg, well it won’t go down well without a hell of a lot of sugar. Pat Riley can say it’s all about the rings but when the three of them keep seeing their own ppg around 16 or 18 a game they’re gonna snap. That’s Andre Iguodala or Al Harrington territory and it’ll make them puke to know everyone will be checking it out on the internets and laughing their butts off. I mean Michael had a decent posse around him and he delivered over 30 a game in his career. So what I’m getting at here is no matter what they say now points do matter, especially to these guys. Think of Barry Bonds or Mark McGwire bunting runners over instead of going for the pump every time they stepped up to bat. It never happened. It’s in their DNA to be glory hounds. You know what I mean? I tried to think of when I might have been in a situation (not that Jersey dudes abs, while on a job) like LeBron and the only thing I could remember was when I was working at a McDonalds in high school. A couple buddies of mine worked at KFC and wanted me to quit and join them. Be like a dream fast food team on the afternoon shift. It sounded good so without really thinking about it I made the jump. Big mistake. Never even crossed my mind who would be the lead worker. The guy who makes sure no one steals toilet paper or chicken gizzards out of the freezer. Someone has to be the QB no matter how good of buddies you are. That’s what totally killed our buddieness cuz all three of us wanted to be in charge and there could only be one lead worker (and yeah, it wasn’t me). I still don’t talk to Carl or Steve to this day cuz I know I could have done a decent job as the head man but I never got a fair shot (after I got fired at KFC I went back to McDonalds and was a lead on the graveyard shift for almost a week until they caught me borrowing a case of ketchup packets so I know for real I’m management material). Listening to Carl telling me to pick up the pace and later Steve (when Carl quit school and joined the navy) got me so pissed I sometimes put dead ants in their Pepsi’s. It happens. The little people have feelings too man. I didn’t watch LeBron’s “The Decision” movie of the week on ESPN cuz I had other stuff to do (watch Pawn Stars) but I saw the highlights on the news and there’s no doubt he set a world record for those 5th person sayings. Like “LeBron just wants to win” or “LeBron is a loyal person” and oh yeah, “LeBron thirsty, get him a bottle of water.” Someday I’m gonna be somebody and be able to talk in that 5th person way in a bar or something and no one will kick my ass. You gotta dream don’t cha think? Anyway, I guess a billion and a half people watched the “King” drop the word that he was splitting from his hometown and it didn’t exactly go over well there. Now there’s Hitler, Ted Bundy and him in Ohio. There’s a better chance people there will now name their boy babies Nancy than LeBron from here on out so maybe it would be a good idea to hire someone to move his shit to the new South Beach crib. I’m just saying. So I guess the deal with this is pretty simple, if you want to ditch your hometown squad for an automatic win team so be it but don’t call your self the “King” ever again. Can’t say my supporting cast. Can’t thank the guys off the bench for picking him up when he’s had an off night. Can’t even predict a threepeat or fivepeat cuz Wade and Bosh would be winning those without you. He’s not the cake or the frosting, we’re talking just the candles here. Really the only upside for him is he is gonna get 4 or 5 free rings from the league without having to buy them at Jerad, The Galleria Of Jewelry. Now he gets to hunt at the zoo. Fish at a salmon farm. Deal himself black jack over and over. If you ask me this was really weak LeBron. Later. |
If you email Spike, he'll read it.
Copyright 2006 Spud Goodman Productions